I feel it's my duty, as your friend, to make this public service announcement as we round the corner to that most special time of year. I know we're all excited about the Christmas season, but we need to take a moment to be reminded that we're being told that we can't go out and celebrate Christmas just any ol' way we please anymore. No, in today's society, there are new rules to which we're being asked to conform in order to keep others from being forced to run for their safe spaces, this holiday season. We certainly wouldn't want that, would we? In order to avoid being labeled insensitive to the diverse population, here are some reminders of what is now deemed appropriate and inappropriate during this celebratory time of year according to news stories from around our country.

First off.....the candy cane, which was created 350 years ago, should now be dispensed with caution and extreme discretion. The red and white confection is formed in the shape of the letter, J, which stands for Jesus, which can induce anxiety and uncomfortable feelings for some. The sight of a J or any object that resembles a J should be avoided in consideration of those who might take offense. So, out of respect for others, I am changing my name to Oni. From now on, call me Oni.....that is, until someone becomes offended by O, which stands for the Omega.....and then I'll just be Ni. But, Jesus was from Nazareth and the N might be a reminder of that, so just call me I. Nobody appears to have a problem with I, these days. It's all about I, it seems.

Of course, even the PC amateurs among us know that you no longer refer to this time of year as the Christmas season. Please, don't ask when the schools close for Christmas break and make everyone around you shift uncomfortably in their seats. Geez. Schools have winter breaks. And when referring to the tree in your den, please remember it is a holiday tree, so not to offend. Even the word, holiday, is now hanging by a thread as it suggests religious tradition. Some religions don't have a December holiday. How are they supposed to feel when you put up a holiday tree in the office? The word is safe for now, but is rapidly becoming a trigger. I'll keep you posted on the word's status for next year. To satisfy yet not offend, we're encouraged to bring trees in and decorate them to celebrate "Winter Festival". Winter is a season, which is all inclusive. It offends no one and excludes no one. They don't think so, at least. 

For 70 years now, generations have enjoyed the catchy jingle, "Baby, It's Cold Outside". We've memorized its lyrics and countless singers have recorded their versions of the timeless favorite. Thankfully, it has been brought to our attention by the enlightened that this song is actually a song about sexual assault and I know that I am, personally, embarrassed that I've hummed along with such filth all these years. Apparently, it's the widely recognized theme song for predators. Please, for your own good, turn the dial if you hear this song being played on the radio and boycott all singers, who have ever put this garbage on one of their winter albums. The singers' careers must be destroyed for ever having encouraged such sexually violent behavior. And any statues erected in the likeness of those late singers, who have passed on, will likely need to be removed. They'll be coming for your stars on the Walk of Fame, Mr. Martin and Mr. Sinatra.  

It's been noted that the nativity story has some parts that are teetering on the line of being sexist, seeing as how there were no wisewomen among the three, who traveled to Bethlehem. Surely, there were women, who were well qualified to fill one of the positions. Certainly, there was one woman capable enough to follow a star and carry the myrrh or the frankincense to Jesus. And, yes, even the gold. The fact that they were excluded makes many women feel inferior and oppressed. Think of the message this sends to young girls......you can never be among the wise. So, when telling the story of the birth of Jesus, in a religiously-safe setting, of course, it might be just as well to leave that part out to avoid the reminder of historical discrimination. If you must remain Biblically correct and include them, please refer to them as wisepeople, which is more palatable. And while we're on the subject, if it snows, make a snowperson with your children. Snowman leaves half of the world's population wondering why their sex can never be formed from wintry precipitation. It's just an unnecessary pain inflicted on others. The same applies when singing traditional carols. New versions...."God Rest You, Merry Gentlepeople" and "The Little Drummer Person". So, so much better.

And when you speak of Jesus being born a man, in a religiously-safe environment, well, that is an oversimplification of the issue of gender. You can't just say someone is born a man. This is why, in your winter festival celebrations, you should refrain from using pronouns.You could be fired for something so appalling. Just ask the professor in Ohio, who's in the unemployment line for making such a gross and horrifying mistake. They and their should now take the place of the he, she, hers, and his, which were used erroneously from the Garden of Eden up until 2017. Don't we all feel silly now?   

In the event that you organize a live nativity, please make it culturally sensitive and not dress the characters in costumes that would have been typical of that day. Wisepeople wearing those headpieces, for example, might be viewed as poking fun and generalizing an entire culture of people. For this same reason, Halloween costumes, which include items such as sombreros or hula skirts should also be avoided. College campuses have prohibited these disgusting displays and with good reason. With that in mind, wisepeople, as an alternative, could wear khakis and a t-shirt....of course, t-shirts without offensive print on them like American flags, Washington Redskins logos, or any brands which make or sell firearms.  

When traveling, this holiday season, here's another gentle reminder. This one will be especially difficult for the Southerners. You can no longer ask people where they are from. This is very important. Since the beginning of time, we've ignorantly asked strangers this ice breaking question, but we're enlightened enough now to know this implies an attitude of superiority. It suggests that "you don't belong here". Our past ignorance makes me blush every time I think about how many people I must have offended. Let's try to do better, people.  

When you sing "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Winter Festival", please omit the first verse as it assumes that Janice and Jen want a doll and Barney and Ben want a pair of boots and a pistol. Well, that is wrong on so many levels. You can't just sing stuff like that. If Janice or Jen wants a pair of boots, well, the song makes them feel abnormal. And you'd have to be a fool to sing about a pistol anyway.....especially one "that shoots". And giving them to children? Which brings me to another reminder to throw away your DVDs of The Christmas Story. Children and gun violence are clearly rooted in these types of songs and movies. It's obviously what's wrong with our society, today. I can't think of anything else it could be. Additionally, protesters should attack Nerf employees where they live and work for their violent influence on our society with their foam shooting weapons. Just despicable.

When asked to send paper products to the kiddos' Winter Festival parties at school, it has been requested by some school districts to avoid the colors, red and green, as they are too closely associated with Christmas, which is associated with Christ, which causes stampedes toward safe spaces, everywhere. Instead, please consider their requests for white or silver plates. Nothing says "this is gonna be a fun, fun time" like white paper tableware. These are winter colors, though, and, as I stated earlier, they can't think of any reason winter would offend anyone. I can only assume when these same people approach an intersection, they are thrown into panic. Green lights. Red lights. I know I immediately think of our Savior's birth when I see that traffic-controlling color combination. Which is why we shouldn't be surprised if 2019 is the year we see traffic lights changed to white for go and silver for stop. With such a subtle color difference, there are sure to be more accidents, but, at least, no one will be offended as they're loaded into the ambulance and that's what's most important in this day and time.

And if you're a teacher or childcare worker, it is advised that you not make any holiday tree ornaments at craft time. This just assumes that everyone has a holiday tree, which assumes that every family participates in Winter Festival. It should go without saying, but making holiday cards are frowned upon, too, as a child might offer them to someone, who doesn't celebrate any December holidays and the tragic ripple effect of that would likely never see an end. So, no more construction paper embellished with glitter stuck to mounds of Elmer's glue. Basically, anything related to Santa, stars, carols, or obviously angels, should not be included in any classroom activities, because of their link to Christianity. More acceptable crafts would be images of neutral objects like sleds, hats, earmuffs, hot chocolate, and gingerbread people. Oh, and snowflakes, which we're seeing more and more of now. There's practically a blizzard of "snowflakes". But, winter is all inclusive. So, just go with that.  

And for the love of winter, please, don't allow your children to watch Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It's nothing but an hour packed with non-stop bullying and characters imposing their feelings of superiority upon others. Since 1964, this classic has polluted the minds of boys and girls and is clearly the reason for the spike in bullying that we're seeing here in 2018. There are no other conceivable reasons why bullying would be on the rise besides this brain washing cartoon. What else could we possibly be doing to create the spike? If only we'd known sooner, we'd be so much better off today. How foolish, we've been.

There are other things to consider as we celebrate. Singing "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" might induce anxiety in those with nut allergies like my son. End of fiscal year parties are suggested for annual office parties instead of Christmas parties. Might be hard to find a tacky end of fiscal year sweater, but ok. Christmas music is now strongly discouraged at holiday parties. An upbeat playlist of popular music is now suggested. I know for me, at least, nothing says Christmas is here like "Love Shack" or "Funkytown".

So, I know there's a lot to remember, but I wouldn't want anyone to accuse you of being insensitive or unenlightened, this Christmas. There are new rules being written, everyday, that make it less and less acceptable to publicly celebrate the real reason for Christmas. Admittedly, I don't see a lot of these kinds of stories down here in the Bible belt buckle, but I know they're coming as more and more institutions cave to the pressure of the PC crowd, each day.  

I guess I'd just like to say to all of those guideline-writing people.....

Merry Christmas.

and Jesus loves you.....even though I'm having some trouble.

He's the real reason for your winter festival season.

And no new rules will ever change that.

"She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name, Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." Matthew 1:21