Well, it's almost Thanksgiving time again and you know what that means. Family gatherings. All over the country, families will be coming together around tables of delicious food and lively conversation, next week. No matter where you live or how you celebrate Thanksgiving, I'm guessing that we all have some of the same guests at our tables. There are approximately 27 standard categories into which most of us could divide up many of the family members, who'll be with us this Thanksgiving day. I thought it would be fun to take a look at those. 
The worrier. Every family has a worrier or two. They're the ones who fret that the kids will break the glass coffee table and sever all of their main arteries or that someone will get choked on a bone that was left in the dressing. They're the ones who have visions of the turkey being undercooked and the entire family tree being hospitalized on Black Friday with salmonella poisoning. The worrier can't help that he/she has the gift of a dark imagination. After all, in the mind of the worrier, when 45 people are in one house, the odds of all of them leaving alive and well are slim to none. 
     
The organizer.  The organizer is always in charge. The organizer is often a first born child as their birth order makes them naturally bossy. They do all the calling and planning. Compiling a list of conflicts. Ultimately deciding on the day and time at which the meal will served. They make the assignments as to who will bring what- ensuring that there will be plenty to eat. They shop, well in advance, for key ingredients, so that the family unit will not be among those caught without French's Fried Onions atop their green beans when the grocery stores run dry. They have their system and it's best not to try and alter it. Their way has worked for all these years and there's no sense in changing it now. The organizer thrives on details and the rest of the family is happy to let her have her fun. Until the organizers have been laid to rest, the family will follow his/her lead as is custom. 

The free spirit.  The free spirit can be found at Thanksgiving dinner in unconventional dress like board shorts, Black Sabbath tees, and sandals. Facial hair, hair color, and hairstyles may vary from year to year. Because of the free spirit's laid back personality, he is rarely in a hurry or ever in any sort of distress and, as a result, will likely be around for more Thanksgivings than any of his contemporaries in the family.     

The politico.  The politico is always up to date on the latest political news and is ready to discuss them at a moment's notice.  "Did I hear someone mention the election?"  They enjoy political banter and discussing what needs to be changed in the world.  In the South, it is almost never recommended to seat this guest next to anyone's new ultra-liberal girlfriend, who was involved with the Beto campaign and is sporting a Planned Parenthood bumper sticker on her car. 

The child magnet.  There's always that one relative, who attracts all of the children. They hang off of the child magnet like ornaments on a Christmas tree. The child magnet is usually a fun uncle who's never had kids before and doesn't realize the dangers of flinging children into the blades of a ceiling fan or grasp the concept of shaken baby syndrome. This total disregard for safety is the very thing that draws the children to him. It is best not to seat the worrier anywhere near the child magnet when arranging the place cards.

The picky eater.  The picky eater looks at the long table of holiday food, which stretches as far as the eye can see, and can find nothing that is fit to eat. They want an ingredient list for each dish present and wrinkle their noses at the mere mention of onion, mayonnaise, or anything green. The picky eater will ask if there are any Kraft singles in the house or simply settle for a roll and dessert. The organizer is sure to make a notation of the picky eater's likes and dislikes and accommodations will likely be made for him/her at next year's gathering.
   
The Black Friday shopper.  The Black Friday shopper stretches miles of sales papers out across the floor and table- making notes and lists and checking them twice. They are comparing prices online, checking sale times, and charting their shopping attack. The shopper may eat fast and excuse herself early in order to get in line with the other 500 people in competition with her for the five iPads in stock at Best Buy.       

The observer.  The observer is seen but rarely heard. He/she is content to sit along the edges of the room as a spectator of all of the family mayhem. It's not that they aren't enjoying themselves or wish to be somewhere else, it's just not their style to get up in the middle of the action. The observers and the free spirits blend nicely together in the seating chart. 

The entertainer.  Or the anti-observer. If there is a piano, they will play it. If there is a karaoke machine, they will sing into it. If there is a hearth, it will be their stage. The entertainer sees the family Thanksgiving as a holiday with a captive audience and will never let a good opportunity get by them. The entertainers were born for times such as this.        

The medic. The medics are the doctors, pharmacists, x-ray techs, nurses, and physical therapists in the family. Basically, any family member working in the medical field is fair game for free advice at any and all family gatherings. It is equivalent to seeing the doctor without a co-pay, so medical concerns are put on the back burner until Thanksgiving. Children, who hit their heads or wheeze, are rushed over to the closest medic. Questions regarding sciatica, rotator cuff pain, drug side effects, migraines, the shingles vaccine, and diarrhea, with or without vomiting, should all be directed toward a family medic, but out of earshot of the worrier.
  
The hugger.  The huggers.....well, they hug. A. Lot. If you see them coming toward you, you should assume the hugging position, because it's coming. It is not unusual to be hugged by the huggers multiple times in one visit. Once when you arrive. Once when you leave. And as many times as you pass by the hugger in between. The huggers are full of love for their families and want to express it. Failing to do so could result in something bursting internally and that would be unhealthy-requiring the care of one of the medics.

The non-hugger. The non-hugger loves his family, too, but experiences discomfort when asked to participate in an embrace. The non-hugger doesn't know why, but he prefers the greeting of a head nod, hand shake, or simple pat on the back as opposed to becoming physically entangled with his relatives. When the non-hugger sees the hugger approaching, he begins to experience sudden discomfort, which is indicated by body stiffening and grimaces- warning signals which are rarely picked up by the hugger. The observer and the non-hugger usually form a friendship as they sit in the shadows of avoidance.
   
The fan. The fan is always rehashing the game, play by play, or looking for a television to catch the last quarter or the highlights. They flip channels between ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPN Alternate, and the SEC Network. They always come dressed in their team's colors and seek out the fans of their rival team to torment. The fan and the politico generally have nothing to talk about and should be seated apart as their passions do not intersect. 

The techie.  The techie is always on his/her gadget. They're texting, playing games, applying filters, checking social media. They're Snapchatting, Facetiming, talking to Siri, and showing off their newly released iPhone 59XXX. If there are any news or weather developments during the gathering, locally or abroad, the techie will keep the family abreast of the latest information. If any family members should experience technical difficulties with their own devices during the gathering, he/she is more than happy to assist. Oddly, the family could recognize the top of the techie's head from a mile away. The Black Friday shopper and the fan can both benefit from having the techie's place card close by.

The sleeper.  Once the sleeper eats, it's game over. You'll find him in the closest recliner to the table all stretched out and unconscious. The sleeper opens himself up to a number of embarrassing possibilities when he dozes off in a room full of people, who are all armed with phones. This is a risk he is always willing to take. The sleeper often wakes up confused as to what time it is and how long he's been out.....not realizing he's already topped 100 likes on his drooling portrait with the entertainer making rabbit ears over his head, which the techie has posted on all social media outlets. 

The bringer of the ice.  The bringer of the ice is notorious for his/her inability to cook. The family is convinced that the owner's manual and shrink wrapped accessories are still located on the shiny racks inside her oven. To prevent the embarrassed guest from taking home an untouched casserole, food assignments such as tea, rolls, and ice are saved specifically with them in mind. Everyone knows that family holidays are no time for store bought cakes or cooking experiments. The organizer will see that the bringer of the ice is clear on his/her limited assignment and will emphasize that nothing else will be needed from them.

The dieter.  The dieter comes to family events armed with a mental list of things she cannot eat. They're counting points or mixing shakes or frantically searching out the no carb dishes. They're into Paleo, Weight Watchers, intermittent fasting, South Beach, Atkins, and Mediterranean-trying to find something...anything...that they can have in the buffet of butter, cream, bread, cheese, and refined sugars. The commitment of the dieter cannot be discounted at these calorie-laden holiday gatherings as their options are limited to, basically, only what the bringer of the ice has contributed.

The photographer.  The photographer wants to capture all family memories for future generations. It is their mission to photograph everyone in attendance at least six times. The photographer will often wrangle different groups together to be photographed such as the children, brothers and sisters, cousins, etc.. The crowd usually becomes disgruntled with the photographer. The outdoorsman and the observers are especially intolerant of the photographer's quest to document their existence. It is a thankless job that few appreciate...except for the entertainer and the fashionista, of course.         

The servant.  The servant wants to help everyone in attendance at family affairs. They will hold your baby while you eat, refill your tea glass, get a clean fork for you if you drop yours, fetch you another piece of pie, make your coffee, and take your plate to the kitchen when you're done. The servant insists that she's not hungry and will eat right after she's cut all 18 children's turkey and ham into bite-size pieces. The servant is often left with the darkest meat, sweet potatoes with no topping, and the roll that got too dark on the bottom.   

The outdoorsman.  The outdoorsmen may arrive a little late to the gathering. He is usually dressed in camo and could possibly smell of deer urine. It would not be uncommon for the outdoorsman to have a deceased animal in the back of his truck, while joy and merriment take place inside. The children may find the discovery of Prancer's carcass especially disturbing this close to Christmastime, so extra caution should be taken. The Black Friday shopper and the outdoorsman may pass each other in the driveway.....leaving early and arriving late.

The fashionista.  Everyone anxiously awaits the arrival of the fashionistas to see what the new trends are. The hottest patterns. The latest styles.  The fashionistas always come in dressed to the nines.  Throughout the gathering, she can be heard answering questions concerning eyeliner application and hair product preferences. The fashionista, seated next to the outdoorsman, doused with doe urine, might not be the most ideal seating arrangement.   
     
The destructive one.  It's best to keep your eye on this one. If you don't know where the destructive one is, you better be finding out. Candles, fireplace matches, key rings with mace, fire pokers, scissors, electric knives, and fingernail polish should be kept on lockdown when the destructor is in the house. The destructive one should be carefully watched, but never put in the care of the child magnet.

The spiller. The spiller is notorious for his difficulty in keeping tea in a glass, soup in a bowl, and cider in a cup. No one knows exactly why the spiller is challenged in this area, but it is a genetic flaw that the family has learned to accept with a sympathetic "bless his heart". It is wise to for the organizer to place the spiller's place card far away from great-grandmother's lace tablecloth and the newly upholstered dining chairs. The mop should be kept handy throughout the course of their visit. The kids' table is a prudent choice for their placement no matter the spiller's age. And as far away from the fashionista as possible. The hugger should also refrain when the spiller has an sort of liquid in hand.

The germaphobe.  The germaphobe has his ear to the ground for any sign of sniffling, coughing, sneezing, congestion, stomach upset, rash, or fever. The germaphobe will place the most distance possible between himself and any hint of present contagions. For this reason, the germaphobe is never in the running for child magnet as children are seen as nothing but high risk pathogen carriers. No, the germaphobe often wreaks of hand sanitizer and stays on the periphery near an exit in case word comes of any vomiting on the premises.

The clergy.  This is the relative, who is currently serving or has ever served in any sort of ministry role. The preacher in the family. The chaplain. The Gideon. The youth minister. Until their death, this person will be called upon to lead the family in prayer and words of reflection as the holiday's significance is remembered. If the family is without an ordained minister, the organizer will look for the Sunday school teacher. If, still, no one qualifies, then Vacation Bible school snack coordinator or Bible drill winner of '83 may be deemed eligible for the position. Among other duties, the clergy may also be asked to counsel the destructive one, at some point, during the event.

The teacher voice.  The teacher voice is always that family member who works with small children, day in and day out. Their voices are loud and intimidating and demand attention. The teacher voice is very useful when trying to herd screaming, uncooperative children for a picture with the photographer or to call the attention of a rowdy room to the clergy, who is ready to say grace. In the event that the family clergy is a hellfire and brimstone preacher, the teacher voice may not be needed in the latter instance.

The vulture.  The vultures come ready to do some damage to the holiday spread.  The organizer will need to know if the vulture will be present or not because his/her attendance can be a game changer in the grocery shopping. The number of turkeys needed could even change based on their attendance.  When everyone else has moved on to the dessert table, the vulture is just getting started with his third helping of dressing, turkey, sweet potatoes, and fifth roll. The vultures are blessed with the gift of consumption and they have absolutely no preferences as to who they are seated near as long as there is food. 

How many of these people are coming to your house for Thanksgiving dinner?

We'll talk next week!