I guess you could say I took spring break off last week. Even though my kids are grown and it’s been a long time since spring break affected my life in any way- do we ever really outgrow feeling like we’re due one? Even as a woman in her soon-to-be upper 50’s, I enjoy the thought of having a week in which I can cancel all of my usual goings-on because- it’s spring break- somewhere. And that’s just what I did. 

Yes, it’s March and we moved the clocks forward and stumbled into church the next morning all bleary-eyed. Days are longer now. Baseball season is in full swing. Store shelves are stocked with jelly beans and chocolate bunnies. The insects have started to sing again. Trees are leafing out and a blanket of green is spreading across the brown earth.      

I know I'm in the minority here. No, I take that back- perhaps, I stand all alone here, but I'm not scared of y’all. You know this changing of seasons doesn’t stir the same level of excitement within me as it does for most. Sure, I'll admit these early spring days are enticing. Those mid-60's, low 70's days with their tweeting birds and budding flowers and blue skies- who can resist their charms? But, I know it’s just bait in the trap. Don't fall for it. It’s kind of like the sketchy man handing out candy from his blue van with no windows- the ones our mothers warned us about when we were little. Sure, the candy looks good, but the long, bony fingers of the southern heat will have you in its sizzling grip before you even know what happened. 

Y’all know my disdain for the hot weather is as old as I am. Even as a child, I dreaded to see the warm months approaching. My head would pound as I'd pedal through the neighborhood. I could feel my pulse in my eyeballs. Sitting on the white vinyl backseat of our Ford in shorts created a sort of thermal bond between the skin and the seat- an adhesion not easily reversed. There wasn't enough red Kool-aid on the block to quench the thirst of that kind of Mississippi heat. Even the water from the hose was hot. There was nowhere to escape it. If you went inside, you'd be told to vacuum or handed a can of Pledge, so you stuck it out on your scalding banana seat hoping to catch a hot breeze riding downhill. 

I know that most of you feel quite the opposite. Yeah, I see your endless postings of beach chairs, flip flops, and blue water. You can’t wait to jump into the seductive arms of warmer weather. I heard those derogatory comments about winter as it walked out the door. You're so tired of dreary, cold days. You're ready to move past sweaters and boots and umbrellas. I can understand that. My vitamin D is low and my legs are the color of sour cream, so I’m not completely unsympathetic to your weakness. I can see how you could be seduced by the mild warmth of spring, but let's review our glossary of warm weather terms that, perhaps, you’ve forgotten over the long winter. 

1)MOSQUITOS- large, birdlike, blood-sucking insects, known to grow as big as seagulls in the South, who travel in swarms and whose life's work it is to torment each person who enters their domain, the outdoors, and suck blood from multiple injection sites and leave behind itching bumps the size of shooter marbles that will cause the victim (usually female) to want to scratch all the way down to the bone. 

2)WASPS- a stinging insect who offers nothing good to the world. Nothing. They are flying servants of Satan who are only drawn out of their hiding by the sinister heat. See also FLIES, FLEAS, GNATS, TICKS, HORNETS, AND FIREANTS.     

3)SNAKES- the most feared of all animals which wake from their winter slumber and dare you to step on them and, even if you don't, they'll claim you did. Be careful in believing the lie that snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them. Some man made that up so you would help him with the yard work. Of all the animals, the Devil chose to appear as the snake. The prosecution rests its case. 

4)SUNBURN- a costly mistake that causes its victim to experience the paradox of a throbbing, burning, and relentless chills all at once and, when finally healed, causes skin to fall away from the body in most unattractive patterns as a molting snake. See also HEAT RASH, SUN POISONING, SUNSPOTS, SKIN CANCER, AGING, AND RAZOR BUMPS.  

5)HUMIDITY- a condition of moisture in the air causing heat to feel 100 times heavier and more oppressive than its usual measure of misery thus making it difficult for adequate respiration and will to live to continue. 

6)SWEAT- moisture released from the body in extreme heat, rolling down faces, backs, necks, hair, bends of elbows, backs of knees, and anywhere else it darn well pleases. It is also noted as the most overused and exaggerated bodily function in movies set in the South. See also DEHYDRATION.    

7)POLLEN- the yellow poison of suffering causing its victims a wide array of symptoms such as itching, sneezing, watering eyes, sore throat, and longing for the sweet release of death.

8)POISON OAK- a flesh eating plant which spreads its rot by oozing and irresistible itching. It begs to be scratched and then laughs as you propagate its poison. 

9)GRASS MOWING- a chore required every six days from President’s Day until Thanksgiving in the South. Failure to complete the task on time can bring about judgment in the neighborhood. 

10)HEAT INDEX- how hot the air actually feels, which is calculated by taking the current temp, multiplying it by 3, and adding 20 additional degrees if your state borders the Gulf. 

11)WHITE LEGS DILEMA-  what to do with all the exposed whiteness to reduce its offensiveness to others- short of appearing orange or acquiring skin cancer.  

12)LONG DAYS- the seemingly incessant daylight, which causes its victims to ask, "Is it still today?" around 7:00 pm each evening when the sun is still riding high.  

13)UNRELENTING SUN- that blazing ball of fire located just 2 miles from Earth during the summer months and recedes each day at the aforementioned pace slower than molasses.

14)TORNADO WARNINGS also known as Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other Saturday in the South. 

15)SHAVING- an optional winter activity, which becomes non-negotiable in the hotter months, necessitated by shorter and less concealing clothing.

So, yeah, spring is here. Y'all enjoy its doting courtship. Right now, it’s bringing you flowers. Taking you on beautiful afternoon strolls. Fanning you softly with its palm branches. Feeding you its juicy fruits. Whispering its promises to always stay gentle and kind in your ear. This is how it starts. Just don't believe the smooth talk. When it has you in its grip, you’ll start to see a difference. Turning up its heat. Making you hot under the collar. Burning you with its indifference. Ignoring your pleas for mercy. Making you a hot mess. 

Don’t say you weren’t warned. 

JONI 

Update on Blair and John Samuel- I can’t tell you how much it means to us to have so many of you reach out to say you’re praying for their upcoming procedure. With everything that’s going on in your own lives, the fact that you would take time to pray for (in most cases) a couple you’ve never met, well, that touches this mother way down deep in my heart where only the dearest things are kept and pondered. The way to a mother’s heart is always through loving her child. Thank you and please continue praying. 

Last week, their clinic was back up and running. Blair had her appointment on Friday, so she could be cleared to start the medications and process and she passed all of her tests with flying colors. She’s still scheduled for April 2 and anything past that will be news they’ll share in their timing. I’ve tried to relay every prayer and story of yours to them and they’re humbled by your kindness and love toward them. We appreciate you even more than you can imagine.