Recently, I got out my calendar and initiated talks with Blair and John Samuel about this year's Thanksgiving and Christmas schedules. With each new marriage in a family, the holiday season becomes a more difficult puzzle to solve. The Rubik's cube could be solved blindfolded with greater ease. To a marriage, we each bring our life experiences, our raising, our beliefs and values, our dispositions, our idiosyncrasies, and all of our longstanding family tradition schedules for the holidays, which are only slightly more flexible than concrete. The likelihood of one spouse's holiday schedule fitting perfectly with the other's is almost a statistical impossibility and, therefore, a great deal of thought and coordination must be implemented ahead of time.

Now, I'd say that my son-in-law's family's schedule fits pretty nicely with ours during the holiday season, but extended family events are where it can get messy. Just in my mother's family alone, there are about 40 of us, who celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together and, from that group, there are about 12 sets of in-laws, who must be worked around in order for us to all gather. It's like herding attention deficient cats. Things will be looking promising for everyone to get together on, say, Christmas Eve, and then....wait a minute, you lose two or three or four. "Well, that's when so and so's grandmother does their Christmas or it's so and so's year to be out of town on Christmas Eve." And back to square one, you go. Before it's all over, sometimes, you have to get pretty far out from the actual holiday to find a suitable time for everyone....How does April 26 sound for everybody?

So, this year, I was trying to get an early reading on the whens and wheres of the approaching holidays. I'm kind of a planner and like to have things sorted out in my brain. When Blair and John Samuel married, they decided to do a rotating schedule for where they'd be on Christmas morning. This year is "our year" to have them then and his parents will have them on Christmas Eve. That works out easy enough, but then there are multiple grandparents' homes and other family events that must be squeezed into that time period and that's where the whole deal gets tricky, I mean, if you want to slow down the car and actually get out at each stop.

And southern grandmothers can get offended if you show up at their house and you're not hungry. I mean, if you had a huge Christmas breakfast at one house and then a big Christmas lunch at another, the grandmother of Christmas dinner, whoever she may be that year, will not take too kindly to you coming to her table without a ravenous appetite. I mean, she went to Winn-Dixie way back in October just so she'd be sure to get the French's french fried onions, a case of Borden's sweetened condensed milk, the Campbell's cream of mushroom, and the Honey Maid graham crackers for the crusts. You have to shop early to ensure you get the good brands before they're snatched up in the holiday frenzy, you know. She got up at 4 a.m. and baked that hen just for the broth to go in the dressing, because Swanson's would never do and she had to wrestle that turkey into her cart that weighed as much as she does and you're telling her you're not hungry? And don't get her started on the bushel of pecans she shelled. You know, we've talked about the food love language that is spoken fluently down here in these parts. We don't like it when people are too full to receive our love language.....and seconds and thirds of it.

And then there are other obstacles like when couples have their first child and they start wanting to be at their own homes on Christmas morning to begin their own Santa traditions and, well, there goes another set of wrenches in the plans, especially if they live out of town. And then, there are those things called jobs. When Christmas falls in the middle of the week, out of towners can have a hard time getting home for more than a day or two. Try splitting that up into 8 equal parts in a way which is satisfying to everyone. You might as well try splitting an atom at your kitchen table with the carving knife.
So, yeah, Hallmark Christmas movies are on and Little Debbie is making her Christmas Tree Cakes, which makes it time to get out those calendars and put the pencil to the paper. We all need to nail down some dates and times, people. Grandmas and Mamas, everywhere, are sitting on pins and needles, wondering how big the Butterball needs to be, this year. There are favorite dishes to prepare and food allergies to consider. There are placemats to count. Kid tables to set up. Extra chairs to bring in. Gifts to equalize.

And they're waiting on us.

So, y'all have a good weekend and don't forget to call your Mamaw, Gran, Nana, Granny, Grandma, Big Mama, Mimi, Grams, Nanny, Grandmama, Grammy, Grandmother, or MawMaw. Hopefully, y'all can work something out.