Tuesday, March 23, 2021
Cheeseburgers and Three-Way Mirrors
I decided I’d go dress shopping, last Friday. I’d attended the funeral of the brother of a friend in a nearby town that I frequent and thought I’d do some shopping while I was down that way. When the service was over, it was lunchtime and I was getting so hungry and began to consider all the food choices near the places I was going to shop. I planned to make it a quick trip, so something fast was on my mind. A rule of our house is that whenever you’re out of town, no matter how close or far away, you must eat at an establishment that we don’t have in our own town. For example, no matter how bad someone is craving Chick-Fil-A, while we’re on vacation, it is strictly prohibited according to family statute.
Anyway, Five Guys is one of my all-time favorite burgers and we don’t have one of those where we live, so I gave into the greasy temptation and turned into their parking lot. Since there’s no dine-in option at most fast food restaurants yet, I went in to place my order and then took my oil-soaked bag full of goodness to the car and enjoyed every morsel in solitude, where no one could witness the finger-licking and moaning.
Having my hunger extinguished, next on the list was to find some new dresses. It’s springtime and Easter is also coming, so I needed to find a few new things for the new season. We’ve talked before, at length, about what an ordeal it is to find pretty, semi-flattering dresses that don’t look like they’d be more appropriate for your daughter or your mother. It’s really an issue for us, women in the middle.
Well, I headed into the first store and, to my surprise, I quickly found 5 dresses that I wanted to try on, so I spoke to the sales lady as I headed into the dressing room with the hangers dangling from my fingers. I was so tickled with my good fortune. It was an embarrassment of riches, really. I’d found all these dresses that I liked and they had them all in my size. It started to seem likely that the task at hand would take much less time than I’d anticipated.
Is there any greater dread than trying on dresses though? I mean, you have to really like a dress to commit to the ordeal because everything has to come off in order to do so. Not to mention, we don’t realize the important role the pants’ waistband plays until it is no longer there to help corral the overspillage. And trying on dresses isn’t like slipping on a top or even into a pair of pants, so it’s not something you want to do on a day that you have anywhere else to go because, when you’re done, you’ll appear as if you’ve been rolling around in a ball pit all day. Hair-sticking every-which-a-way and clothes- all wrinkled and twisted with static and makeup- sweated completely off your face and self-confidence- beaten to a pulp.
I might add here, that seeing yourself in a three way mirror under fluorescent lighting after gorging on Five Guys is one way to keep your humility in check. I’m starting to notice that the older I get, the more opportunities I’m getting to keep my humility in good working order- like when I was reading the program before the funeral began and saw one sister listed and it wasn’t my friend’s name. Then I realized I was reading those who’d preceded him in death and not the survivors but, for a moment, a cold chill went over me thinking I was sitting in the wrong funeral. So, yeah. My brain and body are giving me frequent reminders that a spring chicken, I am not.
Anyways, back to the dressing room. I got down to my socks and unmentionables and started taking the first dress off the hanger. About that time, I heard groaning coming from the next dressing room and it wasn’t a noise of merriment or enjoyment like the ones I’d made in the Five Guys parking lot. And I hadn’t even started the process, but that mirror situation reflecting the bulge of my cheeseburger already had me wanting to make some guttural noises myself. I just wanted to shout through the partition, “I feel ya, girl” to the poor whimpering soul over there.
The first dress was one of those numbers that has two layers. Like a full slip-type layer sewn into the dress itself. I put my arms in and noticed it felt kind of snug, so I pulled them back out to look for a zipper. Undoubtedly, there was one that I’d overlooked to give more room for entry. Surely, the lack of space wasn’t because I needed a bigger size. But, no zipper was found upon inspection, so I decided to just go in anyway. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Sometimes, you have to get them all the way on before they fit right. I got halfway in when the slip part got hung up coming out of the top of the dress and I couldn’t fish it out. It was quite uncomfortable with that added layer of bulk testing the stretchability of the top half. Shortness of breath ensued as I tugged and pulled and let out some groans myself as sweat beaded up on my upper lip. Finally, all the layers of dress were pulled down into their designated place and I actually liked it. I mean, I imagined in my mind how it would look if I had thrown my Spanx in my purse before I’d left home and had eaten watercress for lunch instead of that burger and fries. After deliberation, I decided if I had the proper shapewear and if I didn’t go by Five Guys on the way to church on Easter Sunday morning then it would likely work.
The second one was so cute and form fitting. Form fitting is ok if you’re properly primed for it but I wouldn’t call my overindulged condition primed for anything except frustration. I slipped into it and got one shoulder in but the next one was the doozy. That second shoulder will get you every time. I tuned red and strained and tried to maneuver my way into it. I got in finally but this one wasn’t going to work. I let my stomach muscles relax and looked like I was in my second trimester. You could have put me out in a field of wildflowers in this dress, caressing my muffin top lovingly and it could’ve easily passed for a maternity photo shoot- I mean, if you cropped off my 52 year old head. The trademark Five Guys’ extra generous helping of fries had the fabric stretched beyond the point of respectability and no amount of spandex could fix it. It was time to take that one off and getting out is always harder than getting in. Do I dare ask for help from the groaning lady next door? Maybe she was over there stuck in her dress, too. She’d gotten awfully quiet. I hoped she hadn’t lost consciousness. I got one shoulder halfway out and then hit a wall. I was stuck. Heat started to rise. The material started to itch. My claustrophobia started to flare up. A sense of panic set in that I would have to be cut free. I twisted and grunted and popped a couple of stitches but finally escaped. I hung it back up for some low-carbing CrossFitter to come along. I was worn out, but had more work ahead of me.
Keeping it real here on M&M- but not real enough to show you the one of the side view.
On my way to pay for the one dress that had made the cut, I overheard a woman talking to what appeared to be her two daughters as she entered the dress area. She looked to be a little older than me and she said, “I just want a dress that’s pretty that doesn’t make me look fat and looks like it’s for someone my age.” I suppose she was reciting her mission statement as she went into the fight and I wanted to say, “Preach it, sister.” I mean, is that really too much to ask of a dress? Her words should be sent to designers-near and far- for dressing room grunters everywhere.
I tried on 9 dresses at two stores, that day, and bought one. Next time I go, I’ll go before lunch.
Hope you’re having a great week! It’s been a little crazy around here, but I’m glad to check in with y’all!
Have a Happy Wednesday!
JONI
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Oh yes! Why is this so hard regardless of size, or age? So many dresses for young women are really short, and my girls don't want that. I don't want to look like an old lady, but I don't want to look like a teenager either, and my girls don't want to look middle aged.
ReplyDeleteThis shouldn't be so hard!
Yes! I didn’t even mention the short dresses! Have mercy, Deanna. It’s all just way harder than necessary!
DeleteThis is great, and so timely!! I am going dressing shopping tomorrow to try to find something to wear to my daughter's wedding in June. Back in August when I was trying on dresses (some that I own) to wear to my cousin's wedding that AFTERNOON, they did not fit properly anymore, aaaaaand, I got stuck in one of them. I was at home by myself at the time! I managed to get out of that one and went with the least snug one. I decided then I needed to do something about my 50+ year old figure. I have not been very successful, but I have to find a dress for June. Plus I need to find new pants to wear to work. Shopping is so hard.
ReplyDeleteA few years ago I took my son on a Spring Break trip to the Gulf Coast. He kept wanting to eat at KFC. I wouldn't allow it.
We have the same rule about eating out when traveling! And I just experienced the dress shopping trip this weekend and it did not go well!
ReplyDeleteOh, bless your heart! The mother of the bride dress search is a particularly hard one! So many of them look so matronly and old! I wish you the best in your search. And I’m cracking up about you getting stuck. We’ve all been there. Take comfort 😂
ReplyDeleteIt's me, "Unknown" from above. My name is actually Marilyn, and I have left comments on your posts a few times over the years. I thought I would report on the dress shopping trip. It was a success. My daughter and I went to a mall in a nearby town that still has 2 major department stores. My daughter picked out the first dress in the size I have worn for years, but has a tendency to be uncomfortable now a days. She/we managed to find 3 more to try. The first dress I tried on was the one she found first. It was very comfortable, yet was saying shapewear will be needed. Tried on the next 3, but the first was her favorite, so I went with that one. By then it was lunch time, so we ate mall food then left to take care of more items on the to do list. I did also find pants at the other department store. They all fit comfortably and were on sale! It's rare to have a successful clothes shopping trip these days. As we were walking to the car, I was telling her about this post and your recent experience dress shopping. When we got in the car, I found your post and scrolled down to the picture. She looked at it and said, that's the dress you got. I looked, and sure enough, I bought the dress that you post the picture of above! We had a good laugh over that one. Since they did not have the next size up in that dress, I have got some diet and exercise decisions to make by the middle of June. Will probably still need the shapewear.
DeleteOh my word, Marilyn! This is priceless! I’m so glad it looked better on you than me! I loved the dress- we obviously have similar taste. Thanks for sharing this! Made my day ❤️
Delete