Ok, so I guess you know you're getting older when you start telling people, strangers even, about your medical problems.  You remember how your grandmother used to tell the checkout lady about all of her aches and diagnoses and then give you a rundown of all of her doctor appointments she'd been to and the ones coming up in the near future.....all marked in red on her wall calendar from the bank?  You remember how you'd shake your head with a furrowed brow and insert a concerned, "Oh, goodness" at the appropriate times to show your compassion? 

Well, I may be about to cross over into that stage of life called "I know you want to hear about my medical problems".       

I know I mentioned before on my blog that I recently got on statin drugs for a hereditary tendency toward high triglycerides.  It's really a strong family thing we have going.  Some families possess a lot of musical talent.  Others are heavy with athletic ability or impressive intellect.  Some families are known for their vast wealth and prosperity.  Still others are laden with great leaders or impressive political power. 

Us?  Well, we are known for our ability to run up some numbers at the lab. 

It's just what we do. 

It's who we are.   

At a recent visit, they checked my blood for all of that and, a few days ago, I got the call.  I couldn't tell if the nurse was more concerned or impressed.  Maybe it was a mixture of the two, but I got the impression that she was in awe of me....like maybe I was a special case.  I believe I said in an earlier post that my numbers had been equivalent to a mediocre credit score, but now.......oh, now, it seems that, if accepted at the bank, my triglycerides would qualify me for loans with the very lowest interest rates and Platinum Tier treatment.

Needless to say, that is not what I wanted to hear. 

So, tonight, I wanted us to talk about the struggle to eat healthier and what a difficult adjustment it can be.  We all have or will have to diet or cut back or deal with a health issue at some point and there's nothing harder than changing your eating habits.

Can I get an amen?  

Y'all know how we love to eat in the South.  Even if you're not from here, you've heard.  It's just what we do.  You go to a meeting and there's food.  You get together with friends over food.  You meet a work client over food.  You go to church and there's food.  You go to a jewelry party and there's food.  You go to a birthday party, a funeral, a break room, a hunting club, a baptism, a retirement party, a recital, a reception, a tailgate, a Bible study, an art show, a play, a ballgame, or a ribbon cutting and there is food.  Food is everywhere you turn down here.  I would even venture to say that we lead the nation in our commitment to taking in nourishment.  It is quite possibly our top priority as a regional people.    

Whenever we have to alter our dietary intake, whether for weight loss or other health issues, it can present great challenges and struggles to which we can all relate.  So, tonight, I'm keeping it real here on Motherhood and Muffin Tops and discussing my efforts to alter my diet over the last three days. 

Yes, you heard me. 

It's been three whole days.

And I am testy.                

I've cut out most of the sugar from my diet.  I hate that because I'd just bought a new bag of candy corn.  This problem would have to resurface at the height of candy corn season.  It comes but once a year, you know. 

Down here, it's sweet tea country.  In making my initial adjustments, I'd been getting half sweet and half unsweet tea at restaurants.  Now, I'm at 3/4 unsweet and 1/4 sweet and, as long as God gives me breath, I vow that they will never take my 1/4.  They will have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.  I mean, a tree can only bend so far before it snaps and 3/4 is as far as I can go.      

I'm not a big water drinker.  I have to be super thirsty to want water.  Cokes are out of the question and diet drinks give me a headache, so I've been trying these Le Croix naturally flavored sparkling water with no sugar or artificial sweeteners.  My brother and sister-in-law drink those and another friend of mine recommended them, so I decided to give them another try.  "They'll make you feel like you're having a Coke," they said.  "You'll love them," they said. "They're so refreshing," they said.  Well, I believe that the little bottle drinks given to prep for a colonoscopy offer more flavor and enjoyment than those do for me.  I bought a case of them, so I'm forcing one every day in hopes that it's an acquired taste.  I'll let you know.      

Eating out socially can be especially hard when trying to diet as most of us are aware.  We all know that starches turn to sugar and so if you're trying to cut down on those in the southern restaurant, you're in for a real challenge. 

Tonight, I ate out with friends and they brought out freshly baked rolls.  I sat and watched the rest of our party smear butter across the hot, steamy, lightly browned crust and as they bit into its yeasty softness, my lips moved in sync with theirs.....my mouth mimicking theirs except with only spittle inside.  Oh, rolls......my sweet, precious rolls!  How I longed for my lips to touch one.  Instead, I chewed on my tongue in an attempt to achieve the same satisfaction.         

I listened as they ordered the juicy bacon cheeseburger with twisted homestyle chips as I searched for something with less carbs and less taste.  Oh, the pictures on the menu.  All the fried goodness.  The yummy carbohydrates....my favorite food group.  I contemplated just going to sit out in the car, while they ate, and suck on my hand and maybe pop an Altoid, but I finally settled on the lesser of all the menu evils, the grilled chicken sandwich with sweet potato fries. 

I know.  I know.  Work with me here.  Rome wasn't built in a day. 

The waitress brought out my sandwich and I reluctantly removed it from its soft, fresh,white bun.  I ate my grilled chicken breast with its melted cheese and chased it with my 3:1 tea.  I looked over at my friend's plate and her twisted chips, fresh from the grease, were calling to me.  It was like Satan in the garden.  "Joni, you know you want some.....who said you couldn't have it?"  They knew my name and everything.  I ate one.  It was just one, but it would've been enough to get me kicked out of the garden for sure. 

The dessert menu sat on the table, taunting me with its ooey gooey pictures and rich and creamy descriptions.  I sucked on my tea hoping to get enough of the sweet fourth to satisfy my cravings.  Rich, creamy chocolate fudge pie with freshly whipped cream dolloped on top with a flaky, buttery crust........and heavily diluted sweet tea.  "Practically the same thing," I told myself.      

At least, until my new meds can kick in, I've been careful not to eat anything between meals or after dinner and I'm so hungry right now that my dog, who's sleeping next to my chair, is starting to look tender and juicy.  I can even envision the marbling with a side of potatoes.  What's wrong with me?

My head is hurting in its attempts to convey the message that it wants white rice and a biscuit. 

I find myself looking forward to brushing my teeth as those are the tastiest parts of my days.    

So.....if you're trying to lose weight or attempting to get healthier by changing your eating habits, I'm feeling your pain tonight.

Literally. 

It's not an easy thing to do.

I'm going to bed now, but not before I brush my teeth. 

I may not even spit.

Mmmmm.


Night, y'all!  Happy Weekend!