Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Those Awkward Moments

So, I had a little outpatient surgery Monday.  Nothing major......or cosmetic.  So, I may or may not currently be under the influence of drugs as I write this post, so don't be alarmed if a sentence about purple flying squirrels or three-headed Martians in sequin jumpsuits appears in the middle of a paragraph for no apparent reason. 

Sometimes, you just have to find humor wherever you are and since I've haven't been anywhere else this week, we'll have to work with what we have.  Invariably, you can count on humor to rear its head in medical settings.  Awkward?  Sometimes.  Funny?  Always.  But, we've all been there at one time or another so we might as well talk about our awkwardly funny medical moments.       

-It is as sure as the sunrise that you will have to go to the bathroom at the most inopportune times in medical situations.  Ladies, you know how when you're at the gynecologist's office and you're laid up there in only what God gave you and a sheet waiting for days and days on the doctor to come in.  Suddenly, it hits you.  You've got to go.  Then, comes the dilemma.  Do I get up or do I wait?  Well, that happened to me yesterday.  We'd waited and waited and waited and I decided I had to go no matter what I had to drag behind me.  So, Davis held my bags of fluids and grabbed the back of my gown to guard the dignity and sanctity of his soul mate as we shuffled our way down to the restroom together.  It was a tender moment.  Kind of like a maid of honor following behind a beautiful bride with her long, flowing train in tow.....only not near that picturesque.  Because of its lack of poetic qualities, the vow to hold one's hospital gown up in the air to keep it from falling into the toilet isn't included in most traditional wedding ceremonies, but it is one of those nuptial requirements that is buried deep in the marital paperwork somewhere.   

-The nurse looked at my chart and saw my age, 47, and then I guess she looked at Davis and thought, "we'd better get a pregnancy test on these two young things just to be sure."  Maybe the muffin top resembled a baby bump or maybe Davis was looking extra virile in his blue shirt.  I'm not really sure.  Either way, a pregnancy test was deemed necessary.  And so it is with great joy that Davis and I would like to announce that we are not expecting a baby at this time.  And all God's people said, "Amen and Hallelujah" as we'd be 76 and 69 upon its graduation from college.             

-I think we all have the same unspoken fear when entering the hospital for a procedure.  What will we say while under the influence of drugs?  I mean, really.  Think about the things that pop into your mind all day.  What if drugs neutralize your filter and those things start falling out of your mouth?  Heavenly sunlight!  You don't even know where you are much less what you're saying.  I'm pretty sure HIPAA was put into place after someone really important said something really bad that they didn't want to get out.  No matter how it came to be, it is a blessed assurance to all mankind. 

-Then, there's this new Q&A they do now......I guess to avoid operating on the wrong part or the wrong side which seemed to be so popular for a while.  You know, just so there's no confusion between you and Mr. Clarence Clodfelter who's on the other side of the curtain.  Everyone who comes in your room is like, "Now, Mrs. Miller, what are we going to be doing for you today?"  You know, kind of like you're at the window at the Speedy Oil Change.  Well, you, in turn, are to tell them what procedure you're there for.  I understand that it's part of their verification system, but after the 3rd or 4th person asks what you need done, you can't help but start to wonder if what you're saying is news to them.........and maybe think, "well, I would've thought y'all maybe would've kind of already had a game plan at this point......maybe read up on it some.......watched a few You Tube instructional videos."     

- Then, there are those awkward couple of days when you're instructed not to shower or bathe.  Sure, you can do what you can do with a washcloth and the sink, but by the end of day 2 you're starting to feel and smell awfully similar to a farm animal on a damp day.  Even the dog starts to back away when she sees you coming.  It's best to just quarantine yourself so that no one else will have to suggest it.  Tomorrow, I will shower and I anticipate having a new lease on life.  It will be a breath of fresh air for my family. 

And as a side note, let me just say that nurses are incredible people.  Maybe we are apt to most admire people in fields in which God has given us absolutely NO ability.  But, nurses.....they do it all.  Not the least of which, they pat and love on us at the times when we need it the most.  And we never forget that.  So, hats off to you, nurses.                   

And as a follow up to my last post, let me just say that my family has been so very helpful.  Blair, especially, has been the one here with me during the day and she's the most awesome caregiver.  She's run my errands, changed sheets, done laundry, cooked, shopped, cleaned.  That girl is on it before I even ask.  I will even go so far as to say that having surgery on the heels of having a meltdown achieves maximum results.  I mean, you know, if you want to take it that far.

Hope y'all have a great Wednesday. 




  1. Out patient precedures are very interesting in how they get you home in a very timely manner. So many hours, after that, it's call a hospital stay. My husband stayed overnight and he was discharged just before he was going to be charged another overnight stay by our insurance.
    I'm not surprised Blair stepped up to help, she was raised with manners and love by her sweet mama.
    A great post and recharge yourself, Christmas is next week:)
    Kathleen in Az

    1. I'm a little behind in reading my comments, Kathleen. I had a relaxing week and didn't do much more than walk to the kitchen or bathroom. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy the down time. :)

  2. You made me laugh at the Q&A part. I had surgery on a badly broken arm last winter and was confused why they didn't know what they were operating on.The nurse told me its important to ask because on one occasion, a guy came in with a cast on his leg and she assumed it was to fix that. So she was a little thrown off when she asked what they were doing for him and he said "I'm getting my eyeball removed" :)

    1. Oh my!!! Yeah, those questions are a little disconcerting! Looks like if your arm was badly broken, it would go without saying!!! Oh, well. They operated on my correct side, you'll be happy to know, Brandi. :)

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you, Mama Hen! I'm a little late replying but I appreciate your well wishes.