Well, I heard summer arrived, last week. When we, Southerners, hear talk about the first day of summer, well, we just shake our sweaty heads and mumble angrily to ourselves. Summer arrived, down here, before all the Easter chocolate had even been eaten. Basically, it's the same reaction we have when we hear them announce the arrival of fall with cocoa and wool sweaters on TV and we still have mosquitos buzzing around our heads and have soaked through our clothes.

Yeah, we've been having summer for quite a while now, thank you. We have to get about 7 miles down the road before the car A/C can even think about overcoming the heat in its climate control battle. And we don't think about parking in the sun unless there's no other choice available....or we have some foil wrapped potatoes in there we want to cook for supper. After turning off the car in the parking lot, we've had approximately 4.6 seconds to exit the vehicle before anguish ensues, so preparation is always the key. We know how to get our things and get out.

There's been a fly buzzing around in each of our houses since early May. They almost always hang around in the kitchen if they know company is coming. Each housefly is assigned a home to torment until it falls victim to the swatter, at which time, his replacement is sent. Mosquitos will take you apart faster than a school of piranhas if you stay out near any accumulation of water, in the shade, or just about anywhere if it's close to sundown. Wasps, horseflies, gnats, all of hell's other winged messengers, have been unleashed for months now. And we don't open the doors at night unless we want to hear beetles banging their heads on our lampshades for hours on end.

Snakes are crawling and we've been watching our steps since Valentine's Day, when we were told they were up and at 'em already. Down here, we like to share postmortem pictures of venomous snakes that we kill in our yards on social media and that's been going on for weeks now. We enjoy a good game of 'What Kind of Snake Is This?' more than anybody. Snake posts have been on the rise, this year, so we must continue to step with extreme caution.

Our glasses are fogging up when we get out of our cool cars. Everyone looks like Marcie from Peanuts and Little Orphan Annie staggering around in the parking lot for a couple of minutes. Tis the season for sunburn and razor burn and sand burn and chafing. And depending on our hair's texture, it's either frizzed up like Kaepernick or flat to our heads like Pee Wee Herman. Neither, a good look. We can leave home all fresh and clean and, an hour later, look like we're on the highway crew and are just getting off work. Sweat's rolling down our backs and our necks and our red faces and we are just not a pretty people, right now.
We can comfortably enjoy our decks and patios and porches between the hours of 2:30 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. and we find solace in knowing that. The hot, humid air is as thick as our Mamas' pie filling and as heavy as a bad biscuit. It's hard to breathe and even harder to want to. The will to live is in its most tested season.    

Upon entering any building, we've been using our proper summertime etiquette. Our first greeting to those inside is always a reference to the oppressive heat- just in case they are unaware. This is expected whether we are arriving at the bank, a store, the salon, or the funeral home. Rain chances are also a popular choice, this time of year. If you mention impending rain possibilities, it gives hope to all who hear.

We don't usually bother trying to take someone ice cream or a milkshake like I did, yesterday, unless we want to be handing them a glass of chocolate milk when we get there. We try not to be tempted by those pre-July 4 watermelons, down here. Our patience will be rewarded in another week or two. And when those flowers on our patios start looking distressed, about now, we just let them go. They want to go over the rainbow bridge or whatever it's called for flowers and we give them our blessing to go. We know we wouldn't want to have to sit out there and try to look pretty in all this.

So, everybody, go ahead and celebrate the first of summer. While y'all are marking that sweet milestone, we're down here just trying to survive our first trimester of summer. We are hot and we are irritable and we are not ok.

Try to stay cool out there, people.