Like most, I enjoy my streaming services. We have Hulu and Prime and I bounce around from one show to another. Over the last few years, I’ve been through Blue Bloods, Downton Abbey, Frasier, Reba, Leave it to Beaver. Deadliest Catch, Mary Tyler Moore, House Hunters, The Bob Newhart Show, Tiny House, Big Living, Flip or Flop, Designing Women, and even Dallas among others. I’m not a fan of much of the current television programming. No, I mostly tend to go back in time with my viewing. And am I the only one who gets kind of attached to the characters and settings of the shows I’m watching and it gets a little hard when I come to the end of the series? 

Well, I watched one show that was really out of character for me. Not the usual type I go for, but I got hooked on Naked and Afraid. There’s that word. Anyway, they drop a man and woman off in the middle of a remote location, usually with the harshest conditions possible, and leave them there with not even the clothes on their backs to survive for 3 weeks. The no clothes thing is to make the conditions as primitive as possible. Yes, there’s a film crew, so they’re not totally alone. Yes, they can tap out at any time. Yes, it’s a reality show and there are a lot of embellishments. Yes, there is a medic on standby. But, enough of it is real that I was fascinated by watching these people in the dreadful conditions of these places. 

So, they take a man and a woman and drop them off in locations like Africa or somewhere in the Amazon jungle or even deep in the Louisiana swamps. They can each bring one item- usually they choose a fire starter and a pot for boiling water/cooking or a machete for slaying food/building shelter. They’ll build a shelter out of things like bamboo and banana leaves- usually off the ground to keep dry and away from varmints. They’ll look for a water source and try to get a fire built so they can boil the water for drinking. Sometimes, they’ll fashion some sort of body coverings by weaving palm fronds and tying them up with vines. They attempt to make shoes with tree bark and some sort of natural cordage. They cover themselves in mud to protect their skin from the burning sun. But, the fun really starts at night when the swarms of mosquitos come out and feast on the ill-equipped campers. The constant buzzing and swarming and itching starts to get in their heads. They don’t get any sleep and start the next day with bites from top to bottom. By day 3 or 4, they start getting really hungry. They try to build fish traps- they rarely work. They may find a snake and chop its head off with their machete and cook him over the fire. Sometimes, they eat worms or crickets or snails or mice or turtles. Usually, by the end of the three weeks, their skin is burned and covered in bites and sores and they’ve not had any sleep and very few calories. As a particular point of interest, they always show the contestants’ weight loss at the end of the show. After eating nothing but, say, a cricket, half of a snake, a couple of snails and 4 drops of honeysuckle juice over the course of three weeks, the man always loses 40 or 45 pounds. Then, they show the poor woman’s results- 7 or 9 pounds. That’s so wrong, ladies. So accurate and so wrong. Anyway, there’s no prize or cash reward for finishing the 21 day test. No, the only recompense for putting yourself through such torture is the ability to say you completed the challenge when you’re making small talk at dinner parties. 

So, the last time the kids were all home, we were looking for something to watch and came across an episode of Naked and Afraid. The kids knew I had watched the series and thought we’d watch an episode- all of us together. Just so you know, there’s nothing vulgar about the show. You’ve not bathed or brushed your teeth or slept or eaten more than a grasshopper for 18 days- the only thing you’re thinking about is pepperoni pizza and memory foam. Anyway, Blair, John Samuel, and Carson were mesmerized. They would never admit it, but they were enjoying it. I guess the draw of it is you put yourself in the situation and try to imagine if you could endure or not. The leeches, the monsoon rains, the severe sunburns, the muscle cramps, the stomach ailments, the heat, the biting insects, the hunger. Um, you can put me down as a NO. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I got a text message from Olivia Davis. I don’t know an Olivia Davis, but I began reading her lengthy text. “Hello, Joni. My name is Olivia Davis from Reality Talent. We have recently received your application for the purpose of being cast on Naked and Afraid. Your application passed our initial screening process and we want to invite you to do a further evaluation with us. You can call me back at (xxx) xxx-xxxx to reach my voicemail and enter your access code xxxx to complete your automated interview. This evaluation will only last a few minutes so please be in an area where there is no background noise. Please make sure this interview is completed today if you are looking to move forward. It is an automated interview that takes 5-10 minutes to complete. I have also sent you an email just now, with this information. We look forward to hearing from you.” 

Wait, what? Application?? 

I believe there is a verse in the Bible that says something about children being a blessing from the Lord. Most of the time, that is so very true. Such a dear, dear blessing. Then, there are other times- like when Blair and John Samuel go online and submit an application for me to appear on a show that requires living outdoors with no clothing. Just a fire starter and a machete and whatever I can chase down to eat. They shared with me the bio they’d submitted. It really made me sound impressive- and, oh, so confident in my outdoor skills that Lauren Davis texted me-not once- but twice in one day urging me to get back with them. They must have thought the “blogger, mom of 2” would make a really good episode. It would be the shortest episode for sure. 

I responded to Lauren’s persistent pleas by saying I’d had a change in circumstances that would prevent me from participating. I did thank her for contacting me and for the opportunity.