On Sunday morning, I’d never been so thankful to wake up and realize I was just dreaming. I know I’ve told y’all about this dream before because it’s recurring. In my almost 10 years (next month) of blogging, I know it has surely been discussed before now. The setting may be different each time. The people may change. The details may vary. The gist of it never does. First of all, y’all know I did floral work for weddings for 20 years. My last wedding was in 2009. Stay with me. 2024 - 2009 = 15 years. It’s been 15 years since I’ve been responsible for a wedding and I’m still having this dream. 

As Sophia on The Golden Girls would say, “Picture it.” I’m in the chapel of the church where I grew up. I’m busy working on my friend’s wedding. Her name is Sheila. I’m also supposed to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. It’s a dual responsibility, which I’ve tackled many times in real life so no big deal. I’m busy. So, so busy. Working hard but hardly making any progress. I’m going through my checklist in my mind. I’m looking at my watch. All the things I have to do. The bride’s bouquet. The bridesmaids’ bouquets. The church arrangements. The candles. The pew markers. The boutonnières. All of sudden, there are people everywhere. Lots of people. I realize it’s time to take pictures and guests are starting to arrive. I see so many people I recognize in their wedding attire. They’re wondering what’s going on. They’re asked to wait outside until I get finished. They’re impatient. Standing in the street outside. Not only do I have hardly anything done, I’ve made a huge mess on the floor with what I have done. On top of that, I haven’t even showered and gotten dressed for my bridesmaid duties. I have to go to tell Sheila. I pass the bridesmaids in their lovely light blue gowns. I look and look for the bride, but she’s nowhere to be found in the crowd. I look for her mom to tell her the bad news. There won’t be a bride’s bouquet. Nothing for the attendants to carry. The church only has candles and no flowers. The guests will be late getting inside because of the mess. And I won’t be in the wedding because I’ve not bathed or dressed. Her mother was so kind and understanding- just like in real life. She hugged and kissed me and I slinked off to my car and left my friend to get married in an undecorated church without me standing by her side. As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough, a lady from the church called and let me have it. As a bona-fide middle child, people-pleaser, I woke up and relief doesn’t begin to cover what I was feeling when I realized none of that really happened. 

I was telling Davis about my dream on our way to church. He knows, once or twice a year, that’s my mind’s go-to dream in some shape or form. It’s always flowers and a wedding and not getting the job done. I felt like we were having a Pharaoh and Joseph moment. Not that he claims any dream interpretation skills, but he asked me if I was feeling inadequate or inefficient or overwhelmed in anything. After all, that is the obvious theme of these white knuckle dreams. I couldn’t think of anything out of the ordinary, but don’t we all, sometimes, feel like we’re living under the shadow of expectations we’re not sure we can meet?

 

Then, it dawned on me. Over the weekend, I’d typed out a post draft telling you I’d decided to go in another direction with my writing- maybe microblogging which is basically what I was doing before the blog. I’ve been praying about this for almost a year now. I still don’t have a clear answer on what I’m supposed to do, so I just typed out a draft to see how putting the words down felt- trying to find the right keys through my tears. I was going to just let it simmer on the back burner and keep praying for direction. I needed to make sure I wasn’t holding on just because it’s been part of my identity for so long. After a month shy of a decade, it’s harder and harder to find things we haven’t discussed….repeatedly, in some cases. We’ve covered just about every topic, expressed every emotion, shared every kind of experience, laughed at every joke. We’ve talked our way through every season, occasion, milestone. I have a fear of sounding like a broken record and, if dreams are our mind’s way of processing what we’re feeling, maybe it was the draft that sparked my go-to inadequacy dream. We may all feel inefficient or inadequate at times, but, thankfully, His grace is always sufficient for us. 

All that to say, I’m still praying about where to go from here. Maybe nowhere. Maybe somewhere else, where you can go along with me. I won’t bring this up again until I’m sure of what God wants me to do. I don’t want to beat this into the ground and I’m NOT fishing for complimentary feedback, so please don’t think that. This is just what we do here- talk about what’s on our minds. Until I’m absolutely certain, I’m staying put and we’ll keep doing what we do with not another word about it. For 10 years, it’s been and continues to be one of the greatest blessings, absolute joys, and humble privileges of my life. 

Sweet dreams, y’all-

JONI