Well, I’m about a month shy of my 56th birthday and, as of today, I’ve officially met all the requirements needed to advance to my upper 50’s. I suppose from now until my birthday, I’ll just review and hone the skills I’ve acquired, so I’ll be ready to excel at the next level. I’ve never been one to finish things ahead of schedule, so this early benchmark completion has me feeling all accomplished. 

The whole thing apparently started today when I was getting ready to meet some friends for lunch. I had 20 minutes to get out the door. I have a lot of flaws, but tardiness is not usually one of them. I’d showered, dried my hair, started my makeup, and was deciding what to wear. You, girls, know the latter is the real time killer. I’d already put on and taken off about three outfits when I found a new pair of white pants hanging in my closet. The TJ Maxx find had been in there for a month or so awaiting the passage of Easter for their unveiling. Today was the day. I found the perfect top and shoes and starting pulling the many tags off of the pants. I got them on, changed out purses, and finished my hair and makeup with a few minutes to spare. 

I met up with my friends at one of our local restaurants. It was noon and the place was packed. We enjoyed our delicious food and good company and then I headed to purchase a wedding gift nearby. I decided I also needed to run to the grocery store for some milk and a couple of other things before I went home. I passed a mother and her young daughter on the cereal aisle where I had a weak moment and grabbed some fruity cereal- the good kind that doesn’t actually contain any fruit and scrapes the top of your mouth raw. I threw it in the buggy with swagger and looped around to the next aisle and that’s when it happened. The moment I successfully completed my graduation requirements. 

I heard the young woman I’d just passed call out, “Ma’am?……Excuse me, ma’am?” I turned around to see if she was talking to me and quickly decided that she was. “Yes?” I responded. She was coming at me fast and pointing at me- her 7 or 8 year old daughter in the background using a loaf of bread to hide her face. The lady kept coming but wouldn’t say anything. She was just approaching and pointing and I started getting really nervous. I was imagining all sorts of things. I’d sat in a puddle of brown gravy at the restaurant? I’d mistakenly put my underwear on outside my pants? I had a toilet paper streamer hanging out of my pants like a tiger tail? A bird had relieved itself in my hair? A pair of my Spanx had “static-clinged” itself to the back of my shirt from the dryer? What was it?!!!?

Finally, when she got close enough that she could whisper to minimize embarrassment, she said, “Ma’am, you still have the tags on the back of your pants. My daughter was the one who noticed and she didn’t want me to tell you, but I knew you’d want to know because I’d want to know.” I started feeling back there. First the right buttock, then the left. Ah, there it was. The tag on the left pocket reading- Sateen High Waist Ankle- See care label for full fiber content. I ripped it off with as much dignity as a woman who eats artificial fruity cereal could muster after having just traipsed through a busy restaurant, a gift shop, and a grocery store with tags on her left buttock. I thanked the little girl kindly for taking care of old people like me. She came out from behind her Wonder bread and smiled. In God’s mercy, at least, I’d not left on the sticker that I found when I got home in the stack of tags I’d successfully removed. It read- Touch Me- Feel Me- Wear Me - an invitation I’d not be interested in extending at the crowded restaurant, the gift shop, or the grocery store. I mean, the invitation to see my care label for full fiber content was quite enough.

So, with that- young children pointing, laughing, and whispering- the transition is now complete. Now I just wait for next month when it will be official and I receive the list of requirements for advancement to the next level. I can’t wait to get started working on those. Dress caught in the car door and flapping in the wind. Lipstick outside the lines. Starting conversations with how much a hamburger cost when I was young. Until then, I’ll bask in the glow of my early graduation and relish the last few weeks in my mid-50’s.  

Just a little update for all of you who’ve been so kind to pray- Everything looked just perfect on Blair’s transfer day last week according to the doctor. Now they just wait which is always the hardest part. Thank you, thank you, my friends. 

Hope you all have a great week!

JONI