Monday, February 1, 2016

The Long and Winding Road to the White House

I know you can't help but notice that the coverage of the presidential election has reached the non-stop level.  They talk about it all day.  Everyday.  Ad nauseam.  And if it wasn't bad enough on a regular day, days like today, the Iowa caucus, well, it's just crazy.  Now, don't get me wrong....I'm all into politics but I'm not sure we need to talk these things to death. 

I was thinking how exhausting running for president would be.  To measure every word you say.  To be pleasant at all times.  To have your life scrutinized relentlessly.  You'd have to be slightly insane to subject yourself to all that. 

Let's imagine a day in the life of a presidential candidate.....   

As a candidate, I likely get up each morning and am briefed on the day's schedule and latest media buzz.  I'm down by 5% in polls so I'm going to need to step up my game and kiss more tail.  I'll need to make more promises.....bigger and grander promises than before.  I will vow to lower taxes while still providing free everything to everyone.  Plus, as an added bonus, I will end world hunger and create peace among all mankind all over the world. 
I find out that I am down in the polls with women.  I will need to listen more closely to them and ask them what is on their minds.  I will hold their babies and tell them that I, too, drive a mini-van.  I will arrange an appearance at the local PTA meeting and tell them about my grandchildren and the importance of early education and school funding.

 I am told by my staff that my "Likable" numbers are down from this time last month.  This is a problem.      
To offset this misconception, I will pose for lots of selfies to show that I am genuinely likable.  I will even give them time to check to see if their eyes were open because that's how likable I am.     
Oh, and I will pet dogs......even dogs who are clearly not interested in my forced affection.......because that is what likable people do.  They pet other people's dogs.     
For lunch, I will be at the state fair where I will pretend to enjoy a corn dog fresh from the grease.  I don't like corn dogs but everyone else seems to be having a corn dog and so I, too, will have a corn dog to appear as if I am just an everyday person who likes corn dogs.  Mmmmm....corn dogs.  My favorite.
After my corn dog, I will head over to the pork chop stand and have a pork chop on a stick because I'm scheduled to speak to the pig farmers at 2 and they did send me that check in the, even though I feel sick to my stomach, I must provide a pork chop photo op.   

I will spend the afternoon shaking hands.  I try not to think about it but I have no idea where all these hands have been.  That's why I keep a 5 gallon drum of sanitizer in the bus, because, well, the common folk and all their germs.  Eeeeeewww.    
I'm scheduled to do an interview this afternoon.  The reporter asks me questions like....How will you fix this?....and.....Twenty years ago, did you say that?....and.....What do you say to people who call you this?.......and.......Why won't you admit that you messed up that?  It's always a fun time.     

Then, it's time to get back to mingling with ordinary Americans.  It is important that I connect with the people.  I will listen to them and when they laugh, I will laugh with them.
And when they cry, I will......wince.  Yes, I will wince. 
Today, I will find out the latest laughs people are having at my expense. 
One day, it's my hair....
The next day, it's my age........
or my face....
People are mean and, sometimes, I just want to get in my car, turn up the radio, put on my sunglasses, and really fast...... incognito........but then I remember......incognito is hard when your name is plastered on the side of your ride.

I quickly realize that there are a lot of crazies out there and I keep people with earpieces near me at all times.   
By late afternoon, I have been notified that something I said is making waves.  Social media and the news channels are all abuzz.  One of my people will write a speech which I will deliver to explain what I was really saying when people misunderstood what I said and made what I said into something that I didn't mean to say because they didn't get what I was saying.  The speech should clear everything up.
After that ordeal, I'm exhausted and hungry.  The locals tout their famous BBQ place and insist I eat there so I make an appearance for another photo op which the owner can hang on his wall.  I grab some takeout for the bus ride and try to figure out how the people can want a president who is deemed physically fit to hold the office but they feed me corndogs and fried Oreos and pork chops and BBQ.   
I eat the BBQ and stretch out for a nap on my way to the next stop.....where I will be talking to the Financial Women's Association so I try to make the transition from swine to swing trading in my mind.  I change out of my cowboy boots and concentrate on how I cannot slip and use the same relaxed grammar as I used when speaking to the pork people.  The Financial Women's Association would surely wrinkle their noses at any mistaken use of the word, ain't, for the farmer effect.  I must change my clothes.....and my persona in a hurry.    
After a speech and 127 more selfies, I go back to the bus and call it a day.  Only 279 more days of this to go.  
And you and I will get to hear about every single one of them.
Night, y'all. 


  1. Your take on a president candidate is spot on! Cruz won and Hilary and Sanders in a dead heat.
    Joni, this post is well written, you touched on everything a candidate goes through.
    Have a nice day, Kathleen in Az

  2. You nailed it! always. Have read you from the beginning, and I love seeing you pop up in my email. Just wanted to say thanks.
    Sherry from KY

    1. Oh, Sherry! Thank YOU! That means so much to me.

  3. I got tired just reading this. Well done!

    1. Hahaha.....I know, right? They can have it, Pepita!