Tuesday, March 15, 2016

A Dozen Things We Can't Do Anymore

On Sunday afternoon, there was a bridal tea at our church for a very special couple.  I saw an old friend of mine come in with her two granddaughters.....a precious baby in a carrier and an adorable toddler.  Beautiful children.  The baby slept soundly and the toddler tried to entertain herself the best way she could.  I'm sure she was thinking, "What kind of a "party" is this with no bouncy house or balloon animals or anything containing snowball juice?" 

She had the prettiest long, blonde curls and was all gussied up in a darling, little dress for the occasion.  She'd sit for a while and then stand up and twirl off some energy.  I mean, lady parties can make even the most sedate a little restless.  At one point, she just stretched out on the floor with her little chin propped up in her hands.  I commented to the ladies around me that I was a little envious....wishing I could do the same thing.  About that time of the day after we'd sprung forward the night before, I was thinking how much I wanted to lie down next to her and kick off my heels.  Something told me that I wouldn't have looked near as cute on the floor as she did, though.   

That got me thinking about all the other things that we could get away with when we were little and even look precious while doing them and, well, now, not so much.  Let's talk about a dozen of those..... 

1)  Scratching places that itch.  I know you've seen kids just hike up their shirt or dress right there in front of God and everybody to scratch their belly or some other itchy spot.  Yeah, the dress over the head like...."hey, don't mind me."  Well, sometimes, we, grownup ladies, get itches, too.....you know where the Spanx tag is there in the back or where the underwire of your bra digs so far into your sternum that you just wish to goodness that you could reach in there and go after it.  It wouldn't be near as adorable, though.  Not near.     

2)  Saying whatever comes into your mind.  Kids get a free pass on this sort of thing.  They have no filter.  They just speak whatever is on their minds.  "Your skin is like Sponge Bob's?"....."You have a lot of wrinkles."......."I don't like this gift."........"You have a long hair on your chin."......."Are you Cruella?"......"Why do you talk weird like that?"  Try doing this at 48 and see how it works out for you.           

3)  Eating whatever you want whenever you want it.  Yeah, all parents want their picky kids to eat and so they get whatever ......whenever they want it.  No questions asked.  Day or night.  Hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, hamburgers, grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, French fries, chocolate milk......You know, all the finer things of life.  All the things that our doctors tell us are bad for our blood pressure and cholesterol and gluten intolerance and all those other adult things that we get.  Enjoy that blue box macaroni with all of its orange goodness while you can, kids.  You'll be on statins and a low carb diet before you know it.                                  

4) Having people carry you when you're tired or push you around in a stroller.  I think I'll try this the next time we go on another one of those family hiking trips.  I'll just put up my arms and say, "Carry me, Davis."  That will most likely cut down on those types of outings.        

5)  Falling out screaming in the floor when you don't get your way.  I miss this one.  Someone tells them, "No, you can't have candy."  Well, they just drop to the ground and scream until their family is so embarrassed by the scene that they say, "Here.....Skittles....Get up."  Not sure that would work now.  Fall out in the floor and scream in your middle agedness and they'll have an ambulance there so fast it will make your head spin.     

6)  Naps.  Is any explanation necessary?  When you're a kid, you're expected to nap everyday.  It's your job.  Oddly, kids fight the nap.  Stupid, stupid kids. 

7)  Kid cereal without judgement.  Is there anything better than a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Apple Jacks, or Lucky Charms?  Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Froot Loops, Cookie Crisp......I could go on and on.  Even the Crunch Berry Captain Crunch that scrapes the top of your mouth like 40 grit sandpaper is about the best thing ever for a nighttime snack.  Then, we grow up and have to trade all the goodness in for cholesterol lowering, fiber-rich cereal made from bark and twigs which has no taste and absolutely nothing interesting to read on the box while you're eating it.  Bummer.    

8)  Getting treats when you're good.  Children get treats for being a big kid at the doctor, doing well in a recital, pee-peeing on the potty.....just about anything they do, really.  I think this practice should be carried over into adulthood.  "Joni, here's a treat for going to work every day this week like a big adult." ........"I'm taking you out for steak and lobster because I'm so proud you did all the laundry today."........"Somebody's getting a trip to the jewelry store because they paid all the bills on time."........"Here's a 20 for being non-violent during your PMS time."  Yeah, I think I'm due more rewards for all of my appropriate behavior.   

9)  Eating with your hands. You've got the salad fork, dinner fork, dessert spoon, butter knife, cake fork, soup spoon, dinner knife, teaspoon and, still, not one thing to eat pasta or a chicken quarter with gracefully.  Kids have the right idea about this one.    

10) Spitting out things that taste bad.  Ever seen a child bite into something that they didn't like and then just open their mouth wide and, with a grimace, let it all fall back out?   We've all bitten into terrible things at parties and wished we could spew it out on the floor.  Or that awkward piece of gristle that you need to get rid of at a dinner party.  Just to be able to let it fall back out on the table.  Oh, what liberation that would be.      

11) Dropping things when you're done with them.  Socks.  Toys.  Books.  Crackers.  Sippy cups in the car.  Remember when your kids were little and you'd find those Playtex sippy cups rolling around on the floorboard?  They were full of all manner of fermented liquids and molded cheese-like matter.  "I'm done here so I'll just drop it......I have people for that."  If moms did this, it would start to look like an episode of Hoarders real quick because ain't nobody picking up after us. 

12) Taking naps during church or long programs.  This would come in handy on spring forward Sunday after we lose that hour of sleep or during those 5 hour dance recitals when your child dances for 2 minutes at the beginning and 1 minute and 45 seconds at the very end.  I remember when Carson was little.....after all the hymns were sung on Sunday morning, well, that was his cue to start getting himself stretched out on the pew and planting his head in my lap.  By the end of the sermon, I'd have a big ol' slobber spot on my skirt about the size of a salad plate.  Nobody thinks a thing about that.  But, let a 48 year old throw her legs up on the pew and put her head over in someone's lap and..... "Security!" 

Well, I guess we have to all grow up and conform. 

Dang it. 

Happy Wednesday to y'all!!


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, Deanna. I need a treat, don't I? :)

  2. Oh my word...I was picturing each of these as I read and laughing. I needed that funny this morning!!

    1. Thanks for reading, Carla. I appreciate you!

  3. I'm liking #11! I wish I had someone picking up after me!
    So true in every account!
    Have a nice day, Kathleen in Az

    1. If only, Kathleen. Is that too much for us to ask???

  4. Some evenings my husband and I have cereal (we call them frosted sugar bombs in a nod to Calvin and Hobbes) for dinner when we don't feel like adulting. Love this list; it's so true!!

    Love your blog and your writing. Thank you!

    1. Oh, I love y'all doing that! You have to tell me what kind you eat.....go ahead, make me jealous. And thank you, Lisa. I appreciate you reading!

  5. Laughing so hard!!! I wanted so badly to nap in church this week after that time change!

    1. Yes!!! See.....I'm not the only one, thank goodness! I think we could totally pull it off, Dee. :)

  6. Now that song "I don't wanna grow up" is running through my head (LOL)! This is spot on Joni, we sure have to keep our thoughts to ourselves. BUT, I remember telling a friend of mine that after I turned 50 I could say whatever I wanted to and people would just chalk it up to a cranky old lady!

    One of my granddaughters used to speak her mind a lot whenever I was babysitting her. We were in Old Time Pottery a few years ago and one of the clerks walked past us....the little "darling" said "Mimi, she has yellow teeth"! OMG, and wouldn't you know it, that clerk was the one that checked us out!

    Another time this same granddaughter was at my house when my BFF stopped by after a wedding. Now this friend is a very stylish lady but in all honesty, I thought her "attire" was not very appropriate....all black with long black gloves! My granddaughter asked her if she was a witch!!! BTW, my friend has never forgot that either!

    You really need to get someone to publish you, you are a very talented writer.

  7. Judy!! I'm so glad to hear from you! I've missed you. Hope you're doing good these days.

    Ok, I'm dying laughing at your granddaughter! That's hysterical. She must be a mess! She's just calling it like she sees it. Thanks for the laugh. :)

    And thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you and am thinking about it. :)