I'm a little short on time, tonight, but I wanted to talk Miss America for just a minute. I went to a Miss America viewing party, last night. It was an enjoyable evening of friends getting together to watch the Super Bowl, if you will, of "pageantdom", while eating fatty foods, the likes of which those poor girls hadn't tasted in months.

It's been years since I've watched Miss America. Probably the last time I saw it in its entirety was when they still had the swimsuit competition and a score would appear across the bottom of the screen after they'd paraded around in it. I suppose something about that was too comparable to the system they use down at the stockyard or something, because they've done away with all that.

Anyway, my mother was a big fan of the show when I was younger and we'd always watch it together. She kept notes on their talents and answers, so she could remember who was who. Rarely, did the judges pick our choices and all of her notations would be for naught, but I remember it being an enjoyable evening of viewing pleasure.
From my Sunday night viewing of this year's Miss America, I have composed a quick list of top 10 things for future contestants to bear in mind as they prepare for next year's competition.

10) Always pray you follow the poetry reciting girl and not the opera singer in the talent competition. Coming after poetry memorization will make you look way more talented than stringing along behind a prima donna's aria. You'll come off looking like an ogre if you play your ukulele after something like that.

9) Perhaps the hardest part of not making the top 10 is that they still require you to stay until the end when all you really want to do is go order everything on the menu at Taco Bell to make up some of your lost caloric ground...and for what?

8) When dress shopping, always remember....safety vest yellow isn't a good color for anyone or any skin tone. As a general rule, colors used near road work should be avoided.  

7) When choosing a song for your dance, avoid numbers that are associated with the commercials, "Beef, It's What's for Dinner", or the audience will just see you as a dancing waitress from the Western Sizzlin'.

6) When you reach your hand into the bowl, always hope it's a question that can be answered with your prepared oration about world peace. If not, at least, make mention of world peace, regardless of the question.

5) Never choose a song from the radio. They only sound good in the shower and your rendition, without the ceramic tile enclosure, will only leave the audience feeling like they're at ladies' karaoke night at Joe's Pop-a-Top.

4) Always accessorize with earrings large enough to require you have earlobe reconstruction performed after the pageant. Anything less will simply not show up on such a big stage.   

3) Sometimes, your parents will pay for years of lessons and buy you lots of new dresses and you will still go home without so much as a case of Rice A Roni. It stinks, but it happens.

2) If you don't win, don't worry. If Bert Parks isn't going to sing "There She Is, Miss America" to the winner, well, what's the point of any of it, anyway?

1) And no matter what happens, your Mama will always think you should've won. She will go to her grave telling everyone so.


You make sure your crown is straight and get out there and have a good Tuesday.