So, I was shopping for a Christmas gift for my mother today. I know- I’m one of those repulsive early shoppers. (I only have 3 more gifts to buy, but I certainly don’t want to be accused of bragging.) Anyway, I was in a department store in our mall looking for a specific clothing item for her and, while weaving in and out of the different ladies’ sections, I was reminded that a woman can very well chart her progression through life by the department in which she’s currently shopping. 

In department stores, a woman can wander from one section of ladies’ wear into another without any warnings or alarms sounding. The boundaries between them is not clearly marked, but it doesn’t take one long to realize that one has entered the wrong section. 

I didn’t venture into the “Juniors” section today. They do, at least, keep that one at a safe distance from the others so to not embarrass anyone. A woman begins her journey in the junior section. Life is good over there, but their mediums don’t equate to mediums in the other sections. A good rule of thumb- it’s best to stay away from this section if you’re no longer using 3-subject notebooks and mechanical pencils. Metabolisms are young and are usually running at their top speed there. If you’re quiet, you can almost hear their hum. Short tops are in play as it doesn’t yet matter if the tops and bottoms meet in the middle as  it will a few departments later. Form fitting sweaters are fine when perky bosoms still sit where nature intended and shorter skirts showcase the young legs not yet marbled with stretch marks and varicose veins. A woman is enjoying life at its finest when she’s here and likely at the very top of her endocrine game. 

From there, we head to legit women’s clothing. This is where the odd numbers turn even. The only odd numbered sizes she’ll be be wearing from here on will be on her her feet. From this point, the dividing lines of the ladies’ department become less defined and it is up to each woman to decide for herself when she has crossed over into territory for which she is not yet ready. Like every other step in life, we all travel through the world of women’s fashions at a pace that suits us best.

This women’s section usually has a corner that’s called “Contemporary” or “Modern Woman” or something like that. This area is for the more recent graduates of the junior department. Still so young and plenty stylish, there are just a few tweaks to be made here to make her appear more grown up and employable, which is incredibly important to her mother over in “Misses“ who knows an employed “Contemporary Woman” means more dresses for herself. This area will still house shorter skirts, ripped jeans, and clothing that must be completely removed in order to use the restroom- a feature that will not prove advantageous in the departments to come- those catering to the post-compromised bladder crowd. Dresses and tops with no backs are also here, which fascinates us, “Misses” as we try to solve the brassiere mystery. With youth on her side, she still has many years to pull off the latest fashions in this more sophisticated way as her parts are all still located where they should be. This is the calm before the brewing ravages of womanhood make landfall. 

Then, there’s “Misses”. This is where a woman can cross some boundaries if she’s not careful as it’s kind of divided into 3 unspoken parts. There’s the misses section as in me. The dresses are a respectable length but not too Caroline Ingalls. This area is still hanging in there with buttons and zippers and real waist bands, but elastic can be spotted just across the way and some are tempted and drawn away by its charms. While this section caters to those who are still trying to go with style over comfort, problems begin to arise here that must be addressed. For example, it is imperative that the emerging mid-section be considered in every textile decision to avoid the canned biscuits dilemma. And waistbands must be high enough to assist in holding it all in- not unlike the Hoover Dam. This is a turbulent time where a woman may find herself plucking more hair from her chins, wondering where her eyebrows went, or suddenly realizing during church that she forgot to shave one of her legs, so feeling pretty during these troubling changes is important for her emotional well being. However distressing, when one finds oneself in this section of life, it’s best not to go backwards to try and recapture the feeling of youth- let’s say- by trying some of those ripped jeans over in “Contemporary”. At this age, people will be prone to assume she has fallen on hard times or has been in some sort of accident involving asphalt and a lot of skidding. And, at this point, if she can’t decide if something is a dress or a top, she should -always, always, always- assume it’s a top. Being young at heart doesn’t always translate well in the language of clothing. She must start to think of others. 

From there, we go to the more mature “Misses“. This is where I was looking for my mother. The surrender to elastic is anywhere from underway to complete. Comfort becomes more of a priority. And coverage of problem areas begins to be considered when selecting clothing here as in the avoidance of short sleeves because of arm flaccidity or high neck preferences to cover the dreaded turkey wattle. Foundation garments become more vital here in order to keep things in the general vicinity of where God placed them initially. They’re a little more liberal with the fabric over there and the measurements allow for more breathing room. Even though still wanting to look pretty and feminine, this section is so over suffering for beauty. She raised her kids without iPads or video games, drove a woodgrain station wagon with no air conditioning, and gave herself home perms. She feels she’s earned her elasticized comfort and will choose it over being anyone’s eye candy, any day of the week. She who shops here deserves some stretchability and it looks good on her. 

The last stop is for the most mature woman among us. I accidentally crept across this line today while shopping and had to back myself out of there. I thought-Mama’s not ready for that. I glanced around and this section just has a different look about it. It’s your grandmother’s section. At this point, someone is most likely doing the shopping for her or driving her there. You couldn’t find a zipper in there if your life depended on it. Elastic is the word of the day and a lot of embroidery and jewel embellishments are sure to bring her granddaughters around at ugly Christmas sweater party time. Coming full circle from the kid’s section, easy on and off is once again a must. She is the most free of all the women who finds her clothes here. She’s lived through enough to make her comfortable in her own skin and her own clothes. She has reached the peak of true beauty. 

No matter where we find ourselves in the department store, it’s best to stay in that section for the appointed time. Not to hurry things up, but not to drag our feet when it’s time to move along. A pretty good rule of thumb for almost every part of a woman’s life. 

Night y’all,