I had a birthday, week before last. I turned 55 and we need to talk, ladies. 

Birthdays have never bothered me, really. I’ve always taken them in stride. So far, the numbers aren’t that bad, so I proudly state my age when asked and hold my head high. Sure, there have been outward signs of the passing years. We talk about those all the time around here. The inability to remember what I’m doing in the middle of doing it. The various things that have started to droop and lose elasticity. The constant struggle to keep my goatee at bay. Yeah, there’s been all that, but something happened to me at 55 that I’m not liking one bit. The weird thing is that it started almost exactly on my birthday as if it had my birthday on its calendar. Like one of those dashboard lights that comes on in your car at a set time. Things just started happening about four days before my birthday and they’ve been happening ever since. I’m speaking of night sweats and sleep disturbances. 

To my older readers- ya’ll didn't tell me 55 was the age your hormones hand in their notice. Or more like quit on the spot, grab their purse, head to their car, and not even finish out the day. A little heads up would’ve been nice. Please, send tips. To my younger readers, take 55 and subtract your age and that’s about how long you have left for fun and games. I had a partial hysterectomy, a few years ago, but my hormones were still going strong- until that fateful weekend before my birthday. 

That weekend, it was like my subscription to estrogen expired. You know how it is when your six month complimentary subscription to Sirius runs out in your new car? One day, you’re jamming to the 80’s on 8. The next day- static. I didn’t receive a notice informing me that my hormonal service agreement was about to run out. I didn’t get a courtesy call reminding me to make other arrangements. I didn’t receive a letter offering any sort of extension. No, they just cut me off without any warning. I visualize some burly, sweaty guy with a wrench from the water department who came in the night to shut off the valve. 

I’ve started waking up a couple of times a night. Around 1:00 and again at 5:00 and I can’t go back to sleep for a while. I’ve heard my friends speak of this, but I’ve always quietly listened and thought, “Well, bless your heart.” I couldn’t relate to those tired and frustrated souls. Sleep has been a skill at which I’ve excelled, my entire life. God gives us all gifts, you know. Slumber is mine. Even before my birth, my mother became concerned and visited the doctor because I rarely moved. Even then, I was honing my skills in the womb, so it really busted my bubble when this started. 

I’ll get up to get water or go to the restroom and, before I can get back to sleep, my mind is swirling and I stay awake for an hour or two thinking random and free-flowing thoughts. Not the kind of thoughts you’d expect a mother to have in the night- worries about the children, the moral decay of society, the kind of world the next generation will be left to traverse. No, the random thoughts I’m talking about are not unlike those a person under the influence of drugs might have. An inner voice starts- “There are some things we need to ponder before you go back to sleep. Tonight’s topics will include- The striking resemblance of your new postman to Jim Cantore. A complete analysis of a conversation you had in 1997. Are brussel sprouts really just baby cabbages? Did you or didn’t you remember to lock the back door? Liquid detergent vs pods. And we’ll close our session with the theme song to The Love Boat and you won’t be able to get it out of your head for, at least, an hour.” 

Then I wake up a couple of more times a night and I think the bed is on fire. I’m certain that there’s no way I could be that hot and the bed not be on fire. Or maybe it was on fire and I slept through the firemen putting it out because I’m drenched. Sweating all over like I ran a marathon and then went straight to bed. And I also find myself asking the same question over and over to random people- “Is it hot in here?” So, let me just say ahead of time that this summer will not go well. I will not be ok. Y’all check on me. Which brings me to a product recommendation for you if you, too, suffer from spontaneous human combustion. I got a Dreo fan for my birthday and it has been a lifesaver! It has a remote control, 4 speeds, swivels, oscillates, and the highest speed produces wind gusts of up to 100 mph- which is likely what had me thinking of Jim Cantore at 1:00 am. Your sheets will be flapping in the wind. It’s the coolest fan I’ve ever had- hands down! In case you’re interested, here it is on Amazon. Between it and the Woozoo fan, this one had much better reviews. I know there’s someone out there who needs this information.