Sunday, December 7, 2014

A Week's Worth of Disconnected and Unrelated Thoughts

Well, my busy, busy, busy, busy, busy week has f-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-nally come to a close and I've missed y'all.  I feel like I have so much ground to cover.  Not interesting ground, but.......ground, nonetheless.  I feel the best way to organize my disconnected and unrelated thoughts is in bullet form, so here we go.....in no certain order. 
 
* As of 9:00pm Central time tonight, the pilgrims set sail for the attic.  They will be spending Christmas there.  It was a painful goodbye.  We'd grown so close in our 5 weeks together.  Mr. Pilgrim with his pumpkins and buckles on his shoes.....and Mrs. Pilgrim with her bonnet and basket of fruits....they'd become like part of our family during their extended stay this year.  Knowing how far they'd traveled, I just hated to rush them out the door. 
 
* I've been in and out of the gift shop this week and I can report that we've had NO male Christmas shoppers yet......only female.  I suppose in male years, Christmas is still 5 months away.  Shopping, here at the first part of December, would be like....you know.... jumping the gun.  Why go now while there's a good selection of colors and sizes when you could wait and go later when......well, there's not?  Silly women. 
 
* I keep getting emails that cyber Monday has been extended for another day.  It's now Sunday and yet it's still cyber Monday? 
 
* I saw there were a couple of California shoppers arrested for fist fighting over a Barbie doll on Black Friday.  I'd like to know what goes through one's mind as they throw that first punch over a plastic doll.  Is it something like......"I've waited my whole life for a cause that I could fight for......risk everything for.......put my life on the line for.........and I finally found it.....and this is it......this is my moment.......my time.......Malibu Barbie or death".           
 
* I'm exhausted from seeing all of these elf on the shelf shenanigans that these young mothers are posting on FB.  There's a reason why God gives children to young women.   I saw pictures of where one elf had made a huge mess in someone's kitchen.....flour and dirty bowls everywhere.  Young mothers, why do you do this to yourselves?   I already clean up after two kids, a husband, and the dog.  I'm not about to start cleaning up after imaginary people.     
 
Yesterday, I met a young woman and her daughter.  The little girl was carrying around an elf and her mother explained to me how she'd touched the elf and the elf had lost his magical powers and so Santa had to send her another elf.  Something about.....if you touch it, then it can't go back and report to Santa?  I tried to listen without my eyes crossing from all the confusion.  I, then, said a silent prayer of thanks that I was allowed to parent young children before the day of having to remember to move stuffed elves and take pictures on the same day each month with those number stickers on their shirts. 
 
There towards the end of Carson's tooth losing age, the Tooth Fairy would go 4 or 5 nights before he'd finally remember to bring any money.  Mercy....if we had little ones now, Davis and I could really hurl some young kids into lifelong dysfunction and standing therapy sessions.  Thank goodness, no four year old's emotional development is dependent on our memory.  We could really mess some kids up.           

* I've been getting all these little coupons in the mail for free stuff and, like always, I go and redeem those suckers.  Bath and Body is always sending me free things, which I tuck away for stockings and happies.  And Victoria Secret sends us a coupon for a free pair of panties every week.  I'd understand it if we were big customers, but I usually only go to get their free stuff.  I'm sure when they see me come in there, they're like, "Barbara, get out the free panties.....here she comes."  I only redeem the ones for the more modest styles.....not the ones that could be confused for a slingshot and I always make it a point to mention that they're not for me so to help the girl, who's stuffing the pink tissue into my bag, combat her nausea. 

* After this week, I'd just like to say........Christmas lights are from Satan.  They are sent here to lead us into sin.  If you look carefully on the back of the box, I believe it says "Made in Hell".

*  I must have been subconsciously overwhelmed by all of the things that I had to do this week.  When I get overwhelmed, I have stressful dreams.  My stressful dreams always involve a deadline.  Friday night, I dreamed that I had several houses to go and decorate and I was thinking about how I should be back home by 4:00 that afternoon.  That's when the phone rang and I was reminded that my house was on the Christmas tour of homes that night starting at 6:00.  I'd forgotten.  While I drove to work, I tried to figure out how I would get my house ready in just two hours......seeing as how I'd left the kitchen dirty, furniture dusty, floors sticky, beds unmade, pilgrims and pumpkins out, and no Christmas tree or any sort of Christmas decorations, for that matter. (The dream was a frightening blending of real life and dream life.)  I've never been so happy to wake up as I was Saturday morning.......realizing that no one had forked out any money to come anywhere near my house that night.    

* Did you see where there was a blackout in Detroit a few days ago?  It was during the day, so it could've been worse.......except for the hundreds of people who were stuck in elevators all day.  Ok......just so you know and won't be caught off guard....if I'm ever trapped in an elevator....for seven hours......in the dark......without circulating, cold air.......when they finally get to me.....I will be with Jesus.  I also started thinking about whether I'd want to be trapped alone or with strangers.  I'd definitely want more than one stranger with me.........you know......witnesses. 

* Friday night, we got a phone call from Blair at college saying that her car had quit in the middle of a busy street.  She was blocking traffic right in front of Chick-fil-a and everyone knows it's dangerous to get between people and Chick-fil-a.  It was towed and now we wait for the mechanic's report tomorrow.  Saturday, Davis ran over some foreign object that slashed one of his tires.  Tonight, the washing machine refused to agitate.  In the last 48 hours, we've found ourselves in the market for a new car, tires, and a washing machine.  Oh, and did I mention.......it's Christmas?

*  Last night, Carson came down with a mild stomach bug.  Having a family member with a stomach virus really does something to your head.  My stomach's been "hurting" all day.  I feel like Fred Sanford......."oh, here it comes.....this is it......it's the big one".        

*  Tomorrow and Tuesday have been set aside to 1)  Go back to sleep after Carson leaves for school.  2)  Finish addressing our Christmas cards  3)  Pick out a tree/Get it in the stand/Light it/Decorate it.  4)  Decorate the outside of our house to dispel any rumors that we are unbelieving pagans.  5)  Decorate the rest of the house and fill the emptiness left by the pilgrims.  5)  Finish wrapping gifts and making bows for all of them. 6)  Get my hair cut.  7)  Go to the grocery store and expand our options beyond a can of evaporated milk, a box of saltines, and a brown banana. 

Well, I won't prolong your misery any longer.

Hope y'all have a good Monday!

                        

    


 





 

14 comments:

  1. Oh I so enjoyed this! I literally LOL'd through all of it. I even had to share what you said about the elves and having to clean up after imaginary people. Hahaha! We have an elf and he entered our home last December. My then 3 year old wasn't buying it. So there he sits in the red Rubbermaid tote he went into last year. Maybe I'll sell him. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, thank goodness he didn't buy it! Saves you a lot of trouble, April! Smart, little fella :)

      Delete
  2. I'd say your "come in 3s" is enough! Of course during the most wonderful time of the year! Saying good bye to my Fall/Halloween/ Thanksgiving decor was emotional to me too. I love fall. Especially pumpkins and fall leaves. Living in Phoenix, its a mindset for me, pretending you know, Fall. So much to do for today and tomorrow Joni. Bless you, Kathleen in Az p.s. Elf on a shelf? Past that stage, thank goodness!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just LOVE everything about fall, Kathleen! I got through all of my "to do" list and our 3 unfortunate events....well, they all turned out ok! Some lower than expected repair costs and a good deal on a car, so we're all good! Thanks, Kathleen!

      Delete
  3. OMG, this was hilarious Joni! My daughter is one of "those" moms with the Elf on the Shelf business. She couldn't find "Fred" (their Elf) so off she went from her dr. visit (due dec 30th) to buy another "Fred" since apparently it won't be Christmas w/o him! More power to ya sweetheart!

    I think I'm finally through with my decorating, such that it is. I love seeing how everyone is all decked out but those days are OVER for me...I'm all about the simple life!

    Oh, and we had to buy a new washer a couple of weeks ago...hubby was shocked at the prices...he still thought you could get one in the $200 price range (silly man)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen to "more power to ya" and amen to "the simple life", Judy!! And your husband and mine sound like they could be friends. Hahaha :)

      Delete
  4. Oh, I loved and can relate to this post! I think we're about the same age and definitely in the same stage of parenting, so I completely understand. You have know idea how thankful I am that I was parenting little ones before the age of Pinterest. Somehow my children have thrived without possessing even a single first day of school chalkboard picture. Imagine that. Also, I laughed out loud at your stomach virus comment. I'm usually tough as nails, but if one of my kids has a stomach bug... "You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya!!!".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Wendy!! We got through just before Pinterest raised the bar to obscene levels! Whew....that was close! And thankfully, my "stomach aches" were all in my head. Dodged that bullet. :)

      Delete
  5. Fun post!

    I don't like the whole elf on the shelf thing! Why do women do this to themselves? We still owe our 9 year old a dollar from the "molinator" - the tooth came out months ago! I can't imagine trying to keep up with Pinterest moms!

    I'm sure your tree is going to be lovely!

    Deanna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget the interest on the dollar, Deanna! Maybe one of these nights you'll remember to pay up :) And yes, Pinterest moms wear me out, too! hahahaha

      Delete
  6. This elf thing is new to me. : ) I guess I'm showing my age.
    As always you had me laughing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad we missed some things, Happyone! :)

      Delete
  7. Oh my word! I laughed so hard...Malibu Barbie, Elf on a Shelf, number stickers on their shirts, panties confused with a slingshot...the list goes on and on! And trapped in an elevator?!? I would be joining you in heaven! We are definitely friends who have just never met! Thanks for sharing your life with us!

    ReplyDelete
  8. The information you have given here are most worthy for me. I have implemented in my training program as well, thanks for sharing.



    Little Green Lice Guard

    ReplyDelete