Monday, June 8, 2015

Case #324421559

So, after having a clean traffic record for almost a decade, it looks like I've slipped into a pattern of lawlessness.  Yesterday, I was running late for my niece's wedding shower and, as luck would have it, when I rounded a curve along the way, there sat a police car. 

I slammed on brakes to slow down and then looked back in the rearview mirror to check for any lights or movement, all while pleading audibly into the mirror, "Please no, please no, please no!"   The officer pulled out onto the roadway behind me.  I was praying that they'd coincidentally received a call at the very same moment at which I came speeding by......like maybe a cat stuck in a tree or some other non-life threatening situation that required their attention.  I waited and hoped that they would zoom past.  "Go around....please, go around!"   But, then it happened.  The lights came on and all hope was lost.  I pulled over with all the words that my mother taught me to never say bouncing around inside my head.  It sounded like an episode of Maury in there.....and for that, I am sorry.                   

Let's pause a minute to recap.  As y'all remember, it hasn't been too long since I was in trouble with the law over that incomplete stop thing.  Yeah, I may look like a middle aged, Baptist church choir member, library cardholder, organ donor, carpooling mother of two on the outside, but, clearly, there's a whole lot of lawlessness that bubbles just below the surface. 

A rebel, I tell you. 

At this rate, they're going to need to put my records in that cabinet closest to the door down at the station along with the other frequently pulled files......the repeat offenders.  I'll be hanging in the post office by week's end if this keeps up.      

Mugshot Booth App- even adds black eyes and bloody noses at no charge.   

Anyway, I sat there and planned my strategy as the officer came toward my car.  I went the "act like you don't know what you did wrong" route during the last traffic stop and, well, we saw how that turned out.....$159 later.  This time, I decided to play the humble, apologetic card and with an emphasis on my niece's shower.  Everyone has family.....and we're all about family here in the South and, as an added bonus, I was in a dress, clearly having been to the Lord's house that morning and surely that would count for something here in the buckle of the Bible belt.  I mean, after all, I got off with a warning one time when I told the officer I was on my way to a church Christmas program. 

I had the plan all set when the officer started towards my car.  It was a woman.  I'd never dealt with a woman officer before, but I could see how it could have its advantages.  I tried to stay calm and act naturally.  Why is it when you're pulled over by the cops, you feel so nervous and self conscious and guilty....almost like there's 25 pounds of heroin, 19 automatic assault rifles, $50,000 in twenties, 3 wanted prison escapees, and an old lady bound with duck tape in your backseat. 

She came up to the window, "Ma'am, you were clocked going 46 in a 30," she said.  "Ok, think humble and apologetic," I reminded myself, as it was not the time to point out the ridiculously obvious speed trap of the 30mph speed limit on the four lane road.  "Yes, ma'am, I know.  I'm running late for my niece's shower, ma'am, and just wasn't paying attention," I lamented in a most kind and regretful tone.

She took my license and insurance card, like so many before her, and went back to her car.  At this point, your only hope is that she'll come back and tell you that you that you need to slow down and that she's going to let you off this time.  She got back out of the car with my license and I didn't see a blue slip of paper.  "Oh, yippee.....here comes the warning," I thought.  "Ma'am, I'm going to have to issue you a citation for your speeding today," she said as she handed me my license with the blue paper folded up behind it.  So much for humility.      

To make matters worse, Blair just got a speeding ticket on her way back to college last week.  I mean I'd just had the talk with her about needing to slow herself down and how that ticket was just like throwing money out the window....blah, blah, blah.  Oh, I went on and on and on.  I used all the right key words and phrases.....safety.....accidents.....insurance....reimbursement....needless
expense...costly....responsibility.  Don't you hate when you go and say stuff like that 3 days before you get a ticket yourself?  Sometimes, parenting can come back and just pop you right in the mouth. 

So, you can all imagine how excited "Dave-is Ramsey" is about all of this.  He's just beside himself thinking about it.   

All this to say.......if you get behind a slow moving string of cars that's making you late for work and you're thinking, "Who is that idiot up there holding up traffic?!?  Go, you moron!!!"  Chances are, it is me....with my cruise control set at 30...trying to avoid my license being suspended or imprisonment or lethal injection or whatever else they do to you when you live in such total disregard for the law. 

Well, drive safely, y'all.        

And if you'd like to donate to our family's ticket fund, well, who am I to stop you?



     




         

8 comments:

  1. Oh, how you can tell a story! Love the mug shots! Lol I've always wondered why that person in front of me was going so slow. Now I know!

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    1. Hahahaha.......yeah, they probably had 2 tickets under their belt already. :)

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  2. Funny truth telling! Love the mug shots! My husband was flying the down the hwyway, got pulled over clocking 20 over the speed limit. He was polite to the officer and got off with a warning! He was lucky! With your daughter and now you, I hope your insurance doesn't go up to much Joni. Kathleen in Az

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    1. Crossing my fingers, Kathleen!

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  3. Awesome. Love the mug shots...You'll be cast in Orange is the New Black in no time.

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    1. Looks like it's headed in that direction, Charles :) Hope you have a great weekend with your girls!

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  4. Oh no! The only speeding ticket I have ever received was trying to catch up and be on time for my son's birthday party. I love the mug shot app!

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    1. Sounds like you're a responsible driver, Missy June! You likely won't ever have a mugshot. :))) Hope you have a great weekend!

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