Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Slide, Hide, and Wait

So, I had a situation over the weekend that I'd like to address today, because I feel that it's one that is a common dilemma that many women find themselves in at one time or another.  This dilemma I speak of is........what to do when a strange man comes to your front door and you are alone.  A good rule of thumb, this day and time, is to assume that every stranger who comes to your door is there for one purpose only.........to kill you.  If you follow that simple guideline, you should remain safe.    

Our front doors are almost all glass and so, while I was sitting bra-less in my chair, watching the morning news, and eating my Nature Valley breakfast bar, a stranger appears on my porch and rings the doorbell.  Even though my chair is a straight shot from the door, he never saw me and, as luck would have it, as soon as he rang the bell, he turned around and looked back toward the street.  I wasn't sure if he was checking for witnesses or what, but it gave me a small window of time to make a move.  There I sat in my pajamas, hair pointing in all directions, eyes still blurry from sleep, and I knew I had to think fast.  While he was turned around, I decided there was only one thing to do.....slide onto the floor head first behind the sectional.

Like so.......
I was careful to take my breakfast bar with me because (A) I wasn't sure how long I'd be down there and (B) I could possibly need the protein if I was going to have to fight him off.  He rings the bell again.  I wait.  I take another bite of my breakfast, wishing I had a swallow of the milk that I'd left on the table by my chair, but it's hard to slide with milk.  "Surely, he'll give up after 2 rings," I thought.  About that time, ding dong....a third ring.  A persistent murderer for sure.
As I looked up from the floor, I saw our unmentionables spread across the back of the couch.  "Oh, crud," I thought.   The sign of  a true southern lady is not wanting her murderer to think she's a bad housekeeper.  The night before, I'd stayed up late and had folded a couple of loads of laundry and, because it was so late, I'd just left the folded piles on the back of the sofa, so to not wake Davis and Carson.  As I lay on the floor, I thought about how the stranger was likely getting an eyeful with Davis' tall pile of undies and my impressive stack of bras perched up there for the world to see.  I wondered if I could reach one and slip it on in my prone position.  That way, when someone eventually found me, at least, I'd have on a bra, maintaining a small amount of dignity. "Water, Water everywhere and not a drop to drink," I thought as I looked up at my undergarments.   
Oh, well.  I couldn't worry about that.
Our half breed guard dog, Sugar, was fulfilling her duties beautifully.....except after she'd ferociously bark at the door for a minute, she'd run over to me on the floor and lick my face.  I don't know if she was trying to tell me that there was danger at the door or if she just wanted to lick the breakfast bar debris from my lips.  Either way, I'm sure it had the would be murderer wondering what was going on behind the couch.   
After giving him enough time to leave, I dragged myself across the floor on my belly and peeked around the corner of the sectional to see if it was all clear. 


I felt like a green plastic army man.....the one who's laid out on his stomach with a gun......only I was missing the gun.  But, being a Mississippi girl, I could've gotten to one or two......or three if the need presented itself.    
He was no longer on my porch., so I crept over to the window and carefully looked between the slats of the plantation shutters.  I felt like I was in a movie and needed to go check behind the shower curtain next......because, well, they always check there in movies, you know.   
Anyway, he was gone.  Crisis averted.  Homicide avoided.     
Why did I tell you this story, you ask.   
Well, there are several takeaways from this incident that we should all remember. 1) Always wear a bra to eat your breakfast.  2) When building a home, consider front doors with little to no glass.  3) In today's world, do not attempt to sell, campaign, or anything else, door to door, as we can only assume that you have an ax, a roll of plastic, and a shovel in your trunk.  The only exception to this rule is if you are 7 and have a box of World's Finest Chocolate in your hands.  In that case, mi casa, su casa. 
So, the next time you're caught by an unexpected doorbell ring, you can remember these simple steps........"Slide, Hide, and Wait"......but, please, do not confuse this with the better known "Stop, Drop, and Roll" in the event you ever find yourself on fire.    
I'm spending the night with Blair tonight....living the carefree college life.  The sorority girls needed me to come to the sorority house and speak to them on the latest fashions, color trends for fall, and hair and makeup dos and don'ts.  No.....really, they needed me to work in the kitchen, but.....same thing.
So, sleepover tonight with my girly girl. 
I'm sure I'll have a full Greek report when I return in a couple of days. 
Y'all have a good day!  


  1. I'll keep all your good advice in mind Joni! That happened to me last week too....only it was the termite man...I recognized him from last year (thank goodness)

    The other day, I was back in our bedroom cleaning up and someone knocked real loud on the front door (our doorbell's been broke about 2 years now...wouldn't want to get in a hurry to fix it now would "he"?) so I peeked out the window in daughter's old room, didn't recognize the car which was parked on the street instead of our driveway, waited until the "perp" started walking to the car and lo and behold it was one of my friends (she had a new car I didn't recognize) so I ran as fast as I could to the front door and hollered for her to come back.....but like you said, you never know when the boogey man is at your door (I wonder if they knock or ring the doorbell?)

    1. Hahahahaha.......Love that, Judy! I'm glad you caught her!

      And I'm sure your husband is planning to fix the bell when the weather cools off. ;)

  2. So true, wearing your Jammie and getting a knock at the door. I do too, ignore the stranger at the door. We have a min pin mix dog, Zoe that barks at everything. She'll jump on top of the chair, move the drapes and look out. Have to careful where I'm at too. You can never be to careful. Have a great time with Blair and her sorority sisters, kitchen helper! Kathleen in Az

    1. She sounds like a good guard dog, Kathleen!

  3. I laughed out loud thinking about you behind that sofa! I would have been right there with you!

    1. Hahahaha......Yeah, my moves were all pretty impressive if I should say so myself, Denice. Would've enjoyed the company back there for sure.