Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Part One of a Riveting Series

Sometimes, blogging topics are everywhere.  They're like low hanging fruits.....ripe, plentiful, and there for the plucking with little to no effort.  Other times, one has to climb up farther into the tree.....get way up in its branches and search around for something to write about. 

Tonight, I had to go climbing waaaaay out on a limb. 

Without a more pressing topic to write about, today, we will start a series called "Places You Shouldn't Drag Your Man"Each time I'm at a loss for something to write about, we will visit another installment of this compelling series. 

I understand, in this day and time, some of you, older ladies, may enjoy the security of having a man with you when you're out and about.  That's understandable.  I also get that, sometimes, we just want a companion when we are running errands.  I mean, we all like companionship......someone to converse with and help us pass the time.  But, there are just some places you visit to which you should give your man a pass. 

Today, in part one of our series, we'll discuss the OB/GYN office. 

I was there for my annual visit recently and, while I was flipping through a magazine, I noticed an older couple walk in.  Their gray hair and advanced age made it apparent that they weren't there for the office's OB services, but, like myself, were GYN patrons only. 

You know how it is in there.  It's kind of like being at the state fair.  There are the people there who we'll call "the armbands" and those people are younger and are there to utilize all the services the fair has to offer.  And then, there are those who only need one ticket to go around the Ferris wheel as they're too old for the other stuff and are way past wanting any new stuffed animals to take home. ( I know.....I've always been blessed with this gift for profound similes.)   

Anyway....Clearly, this woman was not bringing her husband in hopes of hearing a baby's heartbeat or seeing anything on a screen.  Like me, had they found anything moving on a screen or heard another heartbeat besides mine, they'd better be finding some big ol' horse tranquilizers in the cabinet real fast. 

So, she got all signed in and, meanwhile, the man goes to find them a seat in the waiting area.  He looked until he finally found the right spot......the one in which he felt the most comfortable.......farthest from the door leading to the exam rooms....in the very back corner......behind the limbs of a large ficus tree.  I believe that had the thorny holly shrubs, which banked the front of the building, had chairs situated in them, he would've likely chosen those seats instead, but, as it stood, the ficus tree offered him the most available coverage.

He sat there behind the foliage trying to be inconspicuous.  His legs crossed......nervously fidgeting.  His high rise, starched jeans and Hush Puppy shoes were clearly uncomfortable in their surroundings.  Maybe because, besides the doctor, he was the only one in the building without ovaries or empty spaces where ovaries once were. 

His wife sat next to him with a clipboard full of papers that she was filling out.  Every few minutes, she'd ask him for a relative's phone number or his social security number for the paperwork.  He kept his head down and answered softly. 

There were no Fish and Game magazines or Sports Illustrated.  No, at the OB/GYN, it's all Good Housekeeping, People, and Southern Living and I doubt he was in the mood to jot down any new pumpkin recipes or take the quiz, "Are You a Fashion Victim?"  If he was counting on a magazine to help pass the time, he was out of luck. 

There were some pamphlets sitting around if he'd been interested in learning how to do a breast self-exam, get a newborn to latch on, or combat the symptoms of menopause, but I didn't see him looking at those either.   

Instead, he just swung his leg back and forth, not sure what to do with his hands, and taking refuge behind the tree.  He almost had a look like he was afraid the doctor might come out to the waiting area trying to recruit an extra pair of strong hands.  I wanted to tell him that that almost never happens, but I decided to leave it alone. 

The television was turned to The View and, well, you know how much men love that.  I thought how much happier he'd been if his wife had left him at home with their boy dog, Smokey, sitting in the recliner with his coffee, watching reruns of Bonanza.  There's no Bonanza at the OB/GYN......or ESPN.........or anything starring Clint Eastwood or Arnold Schwarzenegger.......or even any pictures of wild game hanging on the walls.  None of that. 

"No man is an island".......unless he's at the gynecologist's office. 

Well, they called my name, finally, and when I came back out, I caught a glimpse of him...still behind the bush.  He was barely visible to the naked eye.  His wife had apparently been called back. 

There he was.  The lone male sitting in the tree.  Longing to be somewhere else.  Anywhere else.  I could almost hear the voice in his head, "For the love of mankind, what's taking her so long?"

I wanted to tell him to just settle in, because, at the OB/GYN, you never know when one of those armbands will jump ahead of you in the line.  They get first priority.....over those of us who are just there so we can say we've been to the fair this year.         

So.

Ladies, let him stay home. 

Let him sit out in the car. 

Drop him off at Lowe's. 

Anything.

Just don't drag your man there.




Happy Wednesday to everybody! 



 

     

10 comments:

  1. I can think of several other places not to drag your man! I'm going to enjoy this series!!

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    1. Hahaha.......Fancy Ranci, there are just some places that they should place a sign on the door....."No men allowed". Kind of like they do for pets and handguns. :)

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  2. Funny and so true. Looking forward to these special posts! Kathleen in Az

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    1. I will accept recommendations from the floor, Kathleen :)

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  3. Replies
    1. "Ain't" it the truth, Mama Hen? :)

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  4. Oh yeah! My man only went one time per pregnancy and that was for the ultrasound. He would have opted out of labor and delivery too if he could have. He'd have been happy to be a dad in earlier generations who had to stay in the waiting room.

    This is going to be fun!

    Deanna

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    1. Hahahahaha.......he and Davis sound like the same person, Deanna. One visit per pregnancy and I'm pretty sure it was the longest 30 minutes of his life. :)

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  5. My dad once said that having to go to Hancock Fabrics was like having to go to hell for the day.

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    1. Hahahaha........maybe that's where unsaved men go........Hancock Fabrics. That's awesome!

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