I have a movie that plays in my mind. It’s the motion picture of my life. A compilation of memories, faces, events, losses, firsts, turning points, special occasions, victories, milestones. There are love scenes, sappy clips, heartwarming family moments, adventure segments with friends, and a gracious plenty of boring parts that would rival any subtitled foreign film in the snooze department. I would be a little heavy on the comedic clips- some that make me chuckle no matter how many times I’ve replayed them in my mind. And, yes, there are some goodbye scenes and heart-tugging segments that still require Kleenex if I go back and watch. 

The movie also has a soundtrack that’s always playing quietly in the background of my head. The sounds of my life. It’s like the music they play in elevators and department stores. You don’t really realize it, but it’s always there- the quiet hum of your life’s recordings. Voices, conversations, music, words. I can hear the precious way my children mispronounced words as toddlers. I hear my Daddy singing in the car on road trips and the squeak of my grandparents’ screen door. I can hear the sweet voice of my third grade teacher and the melodies of old hymns I learned when I was young. I hear our wedding music, last conversations, the Saturday morning cartoon theme songs, and affirming words of friends that I’ve never forgotten.  

Every now and then, something in my day will bring up clips from my movie. The last few weeks have been especially rich in visits with my friends. Living in my hometown does has its advantages because many friends are still here and we do very well staying connected. And when friends, who’ve moved away, come back home to see their families, well, there’s a chance to visit them, too, so I have a lot of opportunity to stay in touch with people and I love that about having lived in the same place most of my life. Most of the time, a visit or conversation can bring a certain highlight of my movie to the big screen of my mind. The film will rewind back to the places where my present company is featured and the memories are so fun to rerun. College, high school, childhood, young parenthood- whatever segment we filmed together becomes fresh again and usually leads to a lot of laughter and a longing for the good ole days. A smell, a sound, a song, a holiday tradition, a photograph, or a host of other triggers will all cue the tape and roll the happy footage that correlates. 

But, from time to time, my blooper reel will appear on my mind’s screen. Like today. There’s usually no obvious trigger to make it start playing, but there it goes. Rolling the unedited version of my life on loop. All the mistakes I’ve made since the womb. Not any biggies like armed bank robbery, prostitution, or treason. No, just the words I wish I hadn’t said. The times I embarrassed myself. The dumb decisions I made. The missed opportunities I didn’t take. The feelings I hurt. My youthful ignorance on display. The moments I wish I could take back. All the film that I thought was tucked away on the cutting room floor just randomly starts playing for my own private viewing for no apparent reason. There are scenes that make me wince and audibly call myself an idiot. There are parts that make me close my eyes and shake my head. Some of them prompt me to give myself a good, “What were you thinking, Joni?” It’s pretty painful to watch your worst moments play in your mind- no matter how far back they go.  

I’m convinced we all have a blooper reel that gets stuck on repeat from time to time. I became certain of it when my own Mama told me she wished she had a big eraser that she could use to go through and remove pieces and parts of her life that she wished weren’t there. There were things she wanted to do over differently and things she regretted. I thought then if my own mother, who’s the driven snow level of pure, has regretful scenes that replay in her mind then, heavenly sunlight, we must all have a blooper reel. Although, I’m sure mine is significantly longer than hers- probably enough for a blooper marathon weekend.  

I’ve tried to think what the origin of these unpleasant and unsolicited movie showings might be and I contemplated the lack of self-forgiveness. We can usually forgive other people pretty well and extend mercy and grace to them as it’s needed, but we have a really hard time offering that same gift to ourselves. I also think Satan uses those clips to intimidate us. If he can make us self-conscious and focused on our own weaknesses, we’re less likely to be aware of the power of God that’s available to us and we become ineffective in the life He’s called us to live. And if we’re always second-guessing our words and actions to avoid additional blooper episodes, we just stay distracted from our calling to be God’s light in a dark world. What better way to achieve self-consciousness and distraction than to roll the tape of our missteps for our own private viewing. 

I know my movie doesn’t look like yours. And your bloopers aren’t the same as mine. We all have a unique movie and an original soundtrack and a bunch of stuff that’s been edited out and kept from public viewing- at least, as much as is in our power. Jesus’ life was the only one that required no editing. He lived a perfect life and died a cruel death so we could have complete forgiveness for all the times we didn’t get it right. And that’s a bunch of times. He offers His beautiful gift of redemption to anyone who asks. 

“For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” 

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.”  

If your cutting room floor is ankle deep or neck high- God’s forgiveness is just the same. Leave it all and come away from there. We’ve got better stuff to do. 

(When you say your prayers, please pray for my friend, Tim. He and his wife are very special to me and Tim is very sick. I would really appreciate your prayers for him.)

Much love, 

JONI