Sunday, May 3, 2015

There's the Duchess and Then There's the Rest of Us

I have to admit that I’ve been captivated by the whole royal birth frenzy.....both times. Something about all the pomp and formal traditions of the monarchy is just fascinating to me.  The cannons, town crier, trumpets, church bells, the landmarks illuminated in pink, the royal birth announcement.  Such a fairytale.      

Besides all the royal celebration and traditions, it's obvious that, as a two time birth-er myself, I'm most captivated by Kate.  Let's be honest, ladies.  Did any of you look like this 12 months after giving birth.......much less 12 hours after checking in to give birth?? 

There are reports that Kate chose to wear Jenny Packham when she left the hospital and introduced her royal baby to the world.  Well, it was kind of the same deal with me except I left in J.C. Penney for its ability to fit around my completely unchanged, postpartum girth....girth in which I was convinced Blair had an identical twin who was still lodged. 
That aside.....I don't like to brag, but I think Davis and I had some eerie similarities to the royal couple when we left the hospital with our own first child.  Yeah, I mean, besides the fact that Davis has glasses and William doesn't and I'm not wearing blue, but, really, other than that........
Look at my nose, would you?  I look like a caricature of Tip O'Neill.  My entire face was pregnant and its features grew distorted and remained so until she started eating solid foods. 
 In the interest of keeping it real on Motherhood and Muffin Tops, the following is what it really looks like when you've just birthed a princess.  This is the face of real childbirth.  These are the culls from rolls and rolls of birthing film that you won't find anywhere else.  A Muffin Top exclusive, if you will.  Viewer discretion is advised.
It was 4:00 in the morning and after 10 hours of hard labor, I was so full of drugs here that I thought my name was Velma and Davis was Aladdin giving Batman and me a ride on his magic carpet back to Gotham City, where I'd parked the Mystery Machine. 
 Ok, and so here we are about 12 hours out from checking in to expel this large headed human being through my loins.  If reports are accurate, this is the time at which Kate got all dolled up, checked out of the hospital, and stood to pose for a slew of photographers and live news.  Had someone told me, in this picture, that I needed to get up, take a shower, put on a light colored dress, appear on live news, and then go on home, I would've taken my hairdryer along with me into the shower.  I left 2 1/2 days later and, even then, only after the nurses peeled my fingers from around their ankles. 
I did eventually do something to myself when I quit seeing double and could stand up without falling over, but still.....I was nothing you'd want to see on the news.
And we can't forget Carson.  I did look better after having him, only because he was born by C-section one short hour after arriving for a routine doctor visit.  I guess I didn't have time to get too ugly.
He made up for it when we got home, though.
We left the hospital and he commenced screaming and continued to do so incessantly for five months.  It was like I'd birthed one of those battery operated babies they send home with teens from health class to discourage teen sex.......only we got the one that wouldn't shut off.....and we couldn't find the battery compartment anywhere. 
Davis took this picture, I suppose, because it captured three things that never happened in his first few months of life......1) He wasn't crying. 2) I wasn't crying. 3) And we were both sleeping.  Those were a glorious four minutes.  
 I love when I go visit young couples and their new babies in the hospital and they just can't stop bragging on how good their new baby is.  I just smile and think to myself, "Honey, that baby's still got enough of your labor drugs in him to sedate a horse.  Let's talk again in two weeks."
People magazine should be relieved that I'm not of royal descent as all the Photoshop on God's green earth couldn’t have made a cover out of my postnatal pictures.
But, despite the disparity in our postpartum allure and style points, I'd say Kate and I both had beautiful results.       
Let me just say.......You are amazing, Duchess of Cambridge.  You deserve a curtsey, a crown, a throne, a castle, a cape, a scepter, a moat, and any other perks you get over there on your side of the pond.  No one over here can birth babies as beautifully as you do. 
We concede.          



1 comment:

  1. Awwww you look beautiful Joni! Sweet pictures of your babies. I just heard the name for the little princess, Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Fitting name, especially Diana. Kathleen in Az