About this time each year, I start going for all of my yearly checkups.  Ladies, you know you're getting on up in age when you have more doctors than eggs.  I usually start off with the skin, the eyes, and the teeth and then just work my way on down from there.  You know the drill.....the farther down you go, the worse it gets.  It's such a relief when, at last, you reach the bottom and can relax for another year.   

I went for my dermatology appointment today.  Once a year, I have to go get my moles checked and all the other spots that I incurred on beaches and pool sides, while slathered in baby oil as a teenager. You can't tell it now, but I once loved to sunbathe and watch my skin progress through all of the lovely shades of bronze. George Hamilton had nothing on me. 

Today, when I close my eyes in a beach chair, all I see are Web MD images of dark moles with irregular edges.  My tanning goals have completely changed through the years.   My aim today is to slather on just enough orange tanning stuff to beat back the white a little, so to not blend in with the lilies by Easter.  My main objective is to not put any eyes out.      

Anyway, I've been dreading this appointment at the dermatologist's office, because....well, maybe because of the bad experience I had there last year.  I was taken back to a room, where I answered all of the nurse's questions before she left me with instructions to disrobe and to cover myself with the provided paper "sheet".  She left assuring me the doctor would be right in, so I got undressed and picked up the paper towel-like shield and shook it, hoping to reveal many hidden, folded layers...but that was all there was to it.  What you saw was what you got.  That's one thing about small coverings.....you have to make some tough decisions pretty quickly about where it would serve you best.  That can be a tough call. 

There I sat, unclothed on the exam table covered with my "Bounty Quicker Picker Upper", for what seemed like forever.  I think time passes most slowly when you're exercising and when you're partially clothed under fluorescent lights, waiting on a doctor.  I had plenty of time to ponder possibilities like, "surely the UPS man has, inadvertently, delivered Taco Bell's napkin shipment here to the dermatology clinic and, meanwhile, across town, there are some drippy burrito customers, who are mighty grateful for Taco Bell's new five foot white napkins".  You know...I thought about things like that. 

Anyway, finally the door swung open and in walked the nurse and doctor……..and wait a minute….wait a minute..... all these other people filing in behind them.  They were like clowns piling out of a car.  Finally, everyone was inside and the door was shut, as they all shifted around trying to make room for each other.   Their eyes zeroed in on me and I felt like they were waiting for me to speak or something.  "Awkward", as my son would say.  I wondered if, maybe, I should say something like, “Thank you all for coming. I’m glad you could join us today."  After scanning the crowd that was separated from me only by my napkin, I wanted to point out that there might be a receptionist and a couple of men out in the waiting room that they forgot to invite.  Apparently, I was lucky enough to come on some kind of instructional day.  The doctor zapped something off of my shoulder.  I'm not sure it really needed to come off.....probably just showing the kids how his little thingy worked.  

Today, thankfully, there were no extra spectators.....just me and the nurse and the doctor....as it should be.  He snipped off a mole that he didn't like the looks of.....probably from the time we all drenched ourselves with cooking oil and stretched out on my friend's rooftop to maximize the sun's effect on our epidermis.  That was a great idea.  Besides that, I found the paper sheets to be a more appropriate size this year and the whole experience to be much less uncomfortable without all of the gawkers.   

So there you have it......Part One of our riveting, new series entitled, "Joni's 2014 Medical Checkups".  Join us next week as she heads to the dentist.