Thursday, November 13, 2014

Underestimating Myself

Yesterday, I went shopping in search of a couple of new cold weather things because, all of a sudden, it's gone from a Mississippi fall to a New York winter down here.  You just never know in the South.  Next week, we'll have the air conditioners cranked back up- I bet you anything.   

There's nothing I hate more than trying on clothes.  Nothing.  Except maybe mayonnaise.......and Pap smears.......oh, and the hiccups.  I forgot about those.  But still.  I hate trying on clothes....especially in cold weather when you have on so many layers that have to be unpeeled.  I would just take them home to try on, but returning things is also on my hate list.

I made my rounds through the ladies' department as best I could.  Three acres of women's finery....all appearing to have no rhyme or reason to their placement.  Have you ever noticed how these department stores are always changing things around?  And they have these code names for their different sections?  It's kind of hard to figure out which section you need to be shopping in when they all have these vague names?  Today's Woman, New Direction, Woman's World, Young Dimensions.  What does all that mean? 

Sometimes, I just want to ask a saleslady...."Excuse me, but could you point me in the direction of the clothing that wouldn't be worn by a prostitute or a nursing home resident?"  Somewhere in between those is what I'm aiming for....

I think they just need to shoot straight with us.  They should just say, "Look....if you're over 40, had a couple of 8 lb. babies pass through your hips, who are now teenagers and get all the new clothes and all you're left with is a roll that hangs over the top of your jeans to represent each one, then you need to visit our Muffin Top Value section, where the clothes last for 12+ years until the little roll causers become gainfully employed and you can finally get yourself some more.  If you're over 75 and choose comfort above all else then you should shop in our I'm Over 75 and I'm Past Really Caring What You Think of My Elastic department.  If you're under 20, bosoms are perky, you eat whatever you want, and your stomach still sinks in when you lie on your back, then you need to visit our Everyone Hates You section.  Look....I know that's a lot to fit on a sign, but, at least, we'd know exactly where to go and bypass all those clothes that don't apply to us. 

Once you locate your area and find something you're interested in, then it's time to go see if they fit.  I've found that it's best to go ahead and take a couple of sizes with you because.....well, you just never know.  I saw a dress that I just loved and I grabbed a couple of them.  Since my triglyceride conscious weight loss has reached 7 lbs. now, I was all too confident that I could wear the smaller size, but you'd hate to finally get out of all those winter clothes and have to put them back on again to go back out and get the bigger size.  

So, there I go into the dressing room.  Since I was trying on a dress, I decided I could just leave the jeans and boots on and slip the dress over my head.  I was feeling optimistic, so I tried on the smaller size first.  But pride goeth before the fall.  You know there's that crucial moment in trying on clothes.......that moment when you have to get the article past your shoulders.  You can tell, in that moment, if it will fit or not, based on the ease with which it clears the shoulder area.  And that's when I heard it.  The sound of fabric and thread popping and textiles being stretched beyond their capabilities....almost a ripping sound.  You know the sound.  It's not a good sound.  I wrestled the dress on and pulled it down over my jeans, but it was clear that it wasn't going to work if I enjoy the respiration process. 

Is it just me or are the sizes getting smaller?  At the grocery store, the cereal boxes are slimmer and the cracker boxes are shorter.  I think the clothes people saw the food people were getting away with it, so they're trying their hand at it.  Yeah.  Surely, that's why it didn't fit.  Has to be.     

Anyway, I was so glad I'd brought the two sizes with me.  They look so much bigger on the hanger, you know?   Getting it on is only half the battle.  Getting it off can be the most unnerving part, especially when it's too snug.  There's that split second when you're trying to pull it off over your head and it gets hung up on your shoulders and I don't know what happens in that moment......maybe it's a little claustrophobia meets anger meets panic.  I don't know but, at that point, I gotta get out of it....and fast.  I started to feel hot and mad and trapped.  More thread snapping noises ensued until I was finally free.  Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.....only not near as pretty. 

I don't know about you, but I always feel a little resentment toward the tight fitting dress because of its audacity to be too small for me.  I know it's silly, but I sling it down on the little dressing room bench and then snatch it up and put the hanger back into it in a forceful, unloving way and then slam the hanger down onto the hook on the back of the door as hard as I can as if I'll teach it a lesson about being insufficient for my girth.  Stupid dress.

So, I left with my larger sized dress after finally locating "my section".....only after walking around half a day trying to decipher the hidden meaning departments and peeling off my winter layers and messing up what was a pretty good hair day with the static in my sweater.

I can't wait to go back. 

Happy Weekend, y'all! 









 

       

  

              
  

10 comments:

  1. Hahaha! I can so relate. The women on my Mother's side of the family are known for our broad shoulders and strong arms so I have learned through many a trial and error that the cap-sleeve is not my friend. I honestly didn't think I would get out of a cap-sleeve shirt on one occasion. LOL

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    1. Hahahaha! But listen........I'm coming out of it! No matter what I have to do! I get all hot and sweaty and panicky!

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  2. you took the words right out of my mouth! i've found two stores that make me sweat in their dressing rooms, no matter what time of year....Belks and TJ Maxx. Does that happen to you too? Good Lord, you'd think I'd been in a sauna by the time I emerge from those little rooms! And don't even get me started on trying on bathing suits....although last spring when I dropped a few (very few) pounds I worked up my nerve and bought a new one at TJ that looked pretty good. Oh, and I bought a new tankini top at Target (already had the bottoms...find it's easier to use the bathroom with a 2 piece that covers the whole 9 yards of flesh).

    Pretty darn chilly here today....also I wanted to say I hope Miss. States beats the heck out of Alabama tomorrow....it might help my feelings from our loss last weekend and our possible loss to Ga. tomorrow night....we've not had our best year this season but War Eagle anyway!

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    1. Hahaha.....Judy, I'm right there with ya! Nothing worse than trying on clothes, sister......won't even talk about bathing suits! Lord, have mercy. Wish we could've beat Alabama, but now we're counting on y'all to do it for us! You can do it! Gotta love our team no matter what!

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  3. You are so right - this is the misery of shopping in mid-life. It used to be so fun - what happened? life, I guess.

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    1. I don't know!! Everything looks like my daughter or my mother! Where is the middle section???

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  4. You are sooo funny! "Excuse me, but could you point me in the direction of the clothing that wouldn't be worn by a prostitute or a nursing home resident?" Hilarious and oh so true! I will be sharing this post with all of my friends!

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    1. Thanks, Denice! You're precious :)

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  5. Oh this is good!!! : ) I hate shopping too. Hard to find a middle ground - either the clothes are for teenagers or too old looking.

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    1. Yes! Where is the middle ground, Happyone!!??

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