Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Saturday Night Regimen

Well, I'm finally sitting down from my "night before church" regimen and I'm just exhausted.  Listen.  Looking this average doesn't come easy, let me tell you. 

First of all, it's spring and since swearing off the sun, I am the color of Cool Whip and needed to rub a little tanning lotion on these legs to get them to a less offensive level on the whiteness scale.  Oh, who am I kidding.....I put on one coat and then decided it was a two coat kind of night.  The first coat took me from Cool Whip to more of a cream cheese hue and the second coat has delivered me all the way up to the tint of evaporated milk, so I am beyond pleased. (It's obvious that my late night hunger is influencing my metaphors and, apparently, I'm craving dairy.)  

Anyway, I don't know if you're a self tanner user, but you're working with a small window of time when you apply the stuff.  You smear it on and if you don't start rubbing and smoothing it out right away, you could find yourself stuck with some embarrassing markings for a good 4 or 5 days.  I learned this lesson the hard way when I overlooked a glob on my neck one time and woke up the next day looking like Davis had been groping me in the back of our car.  We felt like awkward teenagers until it finally faded.  So, yeah......you've gotta work fast with this stuff and it can be quite the vigorous workout. 

By the time I covered my arms and legs and chest/neck area and then did another coat......rubbing it all in as fast as I could, I have to admit that I was winded.  I know..... a new low has been set in the physical fitness rankings when one becomes out of breath from applying her sunless tanner.  Leave it to me to break the barriers. 

So, after that beauty booster, I decided my nails needed some attention.  Another reason why I love winter......boots.  Anyway, I do my own nails because of several reasons.  First of which, I'm just highfalutin like that.  Second of all, if there is laughing and rapidly spoken foreign language being exchanged as someone is holding my feet, I can only assume that I am the source of the multi-lingual humor.  I'm just paranoid like that, I guess.  And, not the least of which, because of a plantar's wart incident which Blair mysteriously experienced after a pedi visit a couple of years ago........but, I've said too much.  Anyway, I suppose my mother's germ consciousness has, at least, influenced me enough to not want other people's foot gunk floating around in my water, so I achieve the same results in the comfort of my own home, in water that only contains my foot gunk, and for a fraction of the price......albeit not as relaxing or indulging.    

After the fingers and toes, comes the plucking.  Saturday night is a good time to get out the ol' 12x mirror and check yourself over.  You ever notice how you tend to be seated more closely to people at church than you are at most other places?  The last thing you'll want is to feel the stare of those next to you in the choir, who've spotted one of your chin hairs that's so long it's blowing in the breeze of the air conditioning.  It's hard for them to have the right frame of reference and spirit of worship singing, "I Stand in Awe of You", while looking at something as oddly impressive as that next to them.  And you'd never want to become a stumbling block.   

Ladies, if you're well into your 40's or up, you know what I'm talking about.  Something just happens.  It may not be too much longer before I just start getting out Davis' Barbasol and Mach 3 Turbo with the triple comfort blades and settle things once and for all.

Anyway, I'm "wore slap out" and headed to bed. 

I'm looking forward to church in the morning!  It's a privilege denied to many.

Have a restful Sunday, y'all!                     

8 comments:

  1. i love a good "fake bake" and have finally mastered the art of looking like a sun worshiper....but only on the legs! i tan pretty easily and get a good "real" tan on my upper body (chest, arms...no tummy exposure for this old bag) so I think that's why it's a little easier to fake it on the legs. and i know what you mean by those chin hairs and upper lip shadow....i broke out the sally hansen hair removal cream last week....although i might have left it on a little longer than i should have b/c the skin above my upper lip was a little red and irritated but it got the job done! as dolly pardon famously said "it takes a lot of money to look this cheap"....my version is it takes a village to look this good!

    happy sunday joni!

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    1. Ok......first, I have to say that I'm so happy to see you, Judy! I hope this is a sign that you're recovery is in full swing! I've missed you. Maybe you should go back and read the directions before you use that cream again! haha And I am dying laughing at your "it takes a village to look this good"! I'm right there with ya on that! Have a great day, Judy!!!

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  2. I have fair skin with a bunch of freckles, so hense my tan! I do have a few chin hairs myself and I just cut them off for now. " It's a privilege denied to many" and a blessing for us. Kathleen in Az

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  3. Amen, Kathleen! And keep up the good work with the chin :)

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  4. A great memory, although I thought it was torture at the time, was the Saturday night ritual when I was little. Mom would wash my hair in the sink, the would roll it on those little pink roller while we watched Hee Haw. Not a worry at that age...didn't even consider a tan or chin hair. Those were the days!!

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    1. Oh my gosh, Carla! Did you live at my house? Sponge rollers every Saturday night! So uncomfortable to sleep in! And your mom would get them too tight sometimes and your scalp would hurt all the next day. Hee Haw, Lawrence Welk, Carol Burnett! Wasn't that the Saturday night lineup? Thanks for the memory :))

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  5. Oh my word! You are hilarious! Chin hair blowing in the air conditioning? Bahahahaha I do love a good pedicure...but I go to a place where they speak English. I always thought they were talking about me, too. 😃

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    1. Glad to know I'm not alone in my paranoia, Denice! Thank you for reading and being encouraging to me! I appreciate you!

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