Monday, April 7, 2014

A Brush with the Law

Well, I found myself in a bit of trouble with the law tonight on my way home from the First Baptist Church Easter choir practice.  Yeah, you heard me.   I may be an alto in the church choir, but I can still get disorderly when the mood strikes. 

After the extra Monday night choir rehearsal that we had to prepare for our upcoming spring/Easter program, I decided it was still early enough to head to Lowe’s to pick up a couple of pots of flowers to plant tomorrow.  When I got several blocks from the church, I noticed a police car pull up right behind me and turn on his lights and siren…….and, wait a minute, another police car pulled up behind him…..and, wait a minute, another police car pulled up behind him….all with their sirens and blinding blue lights “ just a-goin’”.   I immediately pulled over as I was certain that they were attempting to get around me in a race to catch some ruthless thug.  However, when I pulled over, they did, too.  Hmmm.  I was glad that I quickly got over as I surely did not want to add “Evading Police” to whatever other offense I’d committed that was warranting my being chased down by one-third of our local police force.

Anyway, as I sat there eager to hear my charges, the police car directly behind me turns on his big, bright spotlight and shines it into my car.  For what seemed like forever, I waited…..all the while trying to figure out what I could have done.  If I’ve learned one thing from watching reruns of COPS, it’s that when you have three police cars behind you with a spotlight shining in your car, you don’t want to make any sudden movements.  I was careful not to reach for the glove box, my purse, or the console as I didn’t want to set off any type of gunfire and land myself on both the front page AND the obit page of the Tuesday morning paper...nor was I interested in the local news playing clips of my car windows all shot out with close ups of my bullet riddled Easter music covered in glass.

Of course, the first thing I had to ask myself as I sat there was, “Ok, this is my car, right?”  I have been known to attempt to unlock the wrong car at the mall, on more than one occasion.  I quickly established that it was, indeed, my car.  But what if, while I was singing “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”, my car was stolen and used in some type of heist involving automatic weapons, zip ties, and a shovel.  As the spotlight went back and forth through my car, I made my way down a mental list of what else I might have done.  I hadn't produced any crack cocaine.....not today, at least.  (Kidding...relax, Protestants.)  I have been known to be a speeder, but I was sure that wasn’t the problem in this case.  I certainly hadn’t been weaving from drinking.  I’d been to Baptist choir practice and Baptists never drink at choir practice.  I wasn’t texting.  I’d stopped at all the stop signs.  I started to feel a little panicky as the policeman finally walked up to my door.  I mean, it’s not every day that three cop cars have you pulled over.  This had to be serious in nature.

The officer walked up to my window, after about five minutes of keeping me in suspense, and greeted me with a warm, “Good evening, ma’am…….do you realize that you’re driving with your lights off?”  I first thought, ”Ok...well, this is embarrassing”, but then I tried to imagine how his communication with dispatch must’ve sounded.  “I’ve got a white, female suspect driving with her lights off.  I’m going to need backup. Stat.”  Anyway, I quickly responded with an appropriate, “Oh, my word!  No, sir, I did not realize that….I’m so sorry!”  I immediately reached down and flipped the lights on as, obviously, a leprechaun had broken into my car, while I was at church, and turned the light switch from “Auto” to “Off”.  There’s no other explanation.  Anyway, the officer continued, “We’re going to need you to turn those on for us”.  I didn’t really like the patronizing tone of his command, but responded with a humble, “Yes, sir”.  I have found in my past brushes with the law that using “sir” in a humble tone, while apologizing for your lawlessness is your best safeguard against being ticketed.    

Well, I suppose I’ve reached that point in life and it has come to this.  The next thing you know, they’ll be pulling me over to tell me my seatbelt is hanging outside the door and is making sparks on the pavement…….or that my dress is caught in the door and flapping in the wind.....or that I’ve had my blinker on for three miles. 

So depressing to get to this stage in life.  It would’ve made a much better story if my offense had been more scandalous and less geriatric in nature, but this is where I am, apparently.  No mugshot.  No newspaper clippings.  No film at 10:00.  Move along, there's nothing to see here.....nothing but a perimenopausal woman with her lights off......and probably a purse on top of her car.                                             

8 comments:

  1. What's even worse is when those authority figures(the "sirs") start becoming younger than you...Getting old sucks. I've always thought that once I'm older than a president, then its down hill from there. Haven't gotten there yet. Close. Keep it down in MTown Joni.

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    1. I am so with you! I could've very easily been this officer's babysitter. Don't worry about me though....I'm going to turn from my life of crime, Charlie.

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  2. And we are assuming that the kind "sir" and all of his back-up did not give you a ticket?

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    1. Yes, Teresa......no citations were issued. :)

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  3. Oh my goodness! That is hilarious! But why all the spotlighting on your car, I wonder? They decided to provide the light for your car that you failed to turn on?! Interesting…

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    1. I've never seen anything like it, Karmen! That explanation is as good as any I have! :)

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  4. That's crazy that there were 3 police cars! Is there some kind of gang going around with lights off? I did have to chuckle at your last part....your well on your way to becoming a "blue hair" as we call them. LOL

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    1. I know, April....it's so embarrassing.....

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